The (I)CRVN Blog

Part two begins…

JULY

The Republican party got a sense of deja vu when the courts awarded the vacant senate seat in Minnesota to Al Franken.  India outlawed their ban on homosexuality, going against the cold-weather trend.  Citing a lack of “VP Candidate level perks and an inability to see much financial future in politics,” Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska to better help herself.  44 people, including three New Jersey mayors, were arrested for corruption and money laundering after no one told them the Sopranos was just a TV show.  South Carolina’s charge to infamy burst out of the gates in July when a Conway man was arrested for violating his probation.  He had been on probation for having sex with a horse.  He violated his probation by having sex with the same horse!  Sadly, this means that criminals practicing beastiality are more faithful than the state’s governor.

AUGUST

Figuring Bill was better than the other option, North Korea released the two jailed US journalists at the request of the more masculine (well, visually at least) Clinton.  Canadians everywhere rejoiced as Jeremy Roenick finally retired from the NHL, and moved on to annoy the TV and film industry.  “No Politician Left Behind” poster girl Sarah Palin protested death panels that did not exist and were also not in any form or draft of any legislation whatsoever.  Handlers suggested that no matter how dreamy she thought Heston was, she should stop watching Soylent Green constantly for ideas.  Cited for everything BUT job performance, Ben Bernanke was nominated for another term as head of the Federal Reserve.  A man from South Carolina (of course) died after he robbed a store having spray-painted his face to conceal his identity.  Edward Kennedy, longtime lion of the Senate, and the last politician to say that he cared about “regular folk” and actually do so, succumbed to cancer.  He will be missed.

SEPTEMBER

Kate Gosselin filmed a talk show pilot with Paula Deen, calling into question both the nature of fame and the need for talk shows.  The mayor of Willford in (say it with me) South Carolina issued an order preventing police from chasing certain suspects in order to save the town money.  President Obama gave an address via CCTV to students all over the country, stressing that they work hard and stay in school.  Republicans immediately adopted a “stay lazy and skirt through” policy, modelled after the successful plan of the previous president.  In an emotional and unplanned outburst, Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina yells out “You Lie!” at the president during his joint session speech about health care.  Wilson would be rebuked by Congress a week later not for his outburst, but for being from South Carolina.  YO! YO! I’M GONNA LET YOU FINISH, YO, BUT I GOTTA SAY THAT CALIFORNIA HAD A WORSE YEAR, YO! Moving on…  Mackenzie Phillips released a book about why we all prefer Valeri Bertinelli.  Glenn Beck announced on Fox and Friends that he believed Obama to be a racist with deep-seeded hatred towards whites.  Obama refuted these claims, saying that he loved “all people.  Well, except for the batshit insane white folks on teevee with no link to reality or sense of decency.”

OCTOBER

Rio De Janiero won the 2016 Olympics over Chicago with a simple proposal of “it’s the summer games.  Whose citizens do you really want to see in bathing suits?”  President Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize for his July Beer Summit at the White House.  Tiger Woods led the US team to victory in the President’s Cup despite claims he still needed help with his putter.  Ballooning for Children becomes a nationwide rage, quickly replaced by attic hiding.  Roman Polanski is arrested in Switzerland for his 1977 charge of molestation, after he was told to come to Zurich to accept his Publishers Clearing House prize.  The Assistant Attorney General of South (wait for it…) Carolina, Roland Corning, was arrested when he was discovered in a cemetery with various “aids” and an 18-year-old stripper.

NOVEMBER

A heat wave swept through Maine, so the state repealed the new same-sex marriage law.  Analysts pointed to the new 10% unemployment rate as a clear indicator that the recession was over.  It was revealed that there was in fact water on the moon.  It was in a Deer Park dispenser left there from 1969.  The government changed the insurance regulations and standards to change the standard age for mammograms for women to 50, while changing the standard age for free viagra to “whenever a man damn well pleases.”  A 600 pound cow fell from the sky and landed in a swimming pool in…  South Carolina.  Oprah, clearly defying the Mayans, announced her show would end on September 11, 2011.  In response, Jon and Kate ended their television show, and a nation shrugged its shoulders.  Tiger Woods, again having driving problems, ran into the ultimate sand trap.

DECEMBER

President Obama announced on national television that there was a timetable for withdrawal from Afghanistan, but that immediately, troop increases would take place.  The mayor of Arlington Texas, Russell Wiseman, claimed that our “muslim president” strategically timed his announcement to deliberately block the broadcast of A Charlie Brown Christmas.  Obama responded that a real Christian would own the DVD.  GE was able to sell NBC Universal to Comcast by convincing the company that Seinfeld and Cosby were just on a temporary holiday.  The divorce of Jon and Kate Gosselin was finalized, thereby confirming the Republican’s drive to save the sanctity of marriage.  South Carolina almost made it a month, were it not for the announcement by state First Lady Jenny Sanford that she was divorcing her husband, once he got back from the Appalachian Trail.

*Sigh.*

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

(Well – not you, South Carolina…  TRY to stay clean for 2010, okay?)

Part One…

To misquote FDR, 2009 is a year that will live in infamy.  Particularly if you are from South Carolina…  as I am.  While other states tried to take the spotlight from my home state, nothing worked, and my home state led with the biggest “WTF” moments throughout the year.  So, join me as I look back on a strange and screwy 2009, with a special focus on the inglorious, infamous events in and from South Carolina that proved that the South really isn’t all that deep.

JANUARY

The year began with Steve Jobs taking a leave of absence from Apple, prompting Circuit City to close from the stress.  U.S.Air pilot Chelsey “Sully” Sullenberger successfully tested the new Hudson River test landing strip, using flight 1549 as a flotation device.  The year of infamy started for South Carolina when state Senator Robert Ford (a former confidant to Martin Luther King, Jr) entered legislation to ban “saggy pants” and profanity.  No one was sure if the ban on profanity was to quell still lingering “WTF” reactions to Ford’s previous legislation combining MLK day with Confederate Memorial Day.  In one of the longest ceremonies ever, which included a lip-syncing cello and the Mad Hatter, Jesus was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States.  The year’s other theme, “dubious fame for the overworked uterus,” began with a California woman giving birth to eight babies and one agent.  An ignominious end came for the Democratic Party / Hair Club for Men experimental partnership when Rod Blagojevich was formally removed from office in Illinois (his hair was finally extricated in June).  The month ended with Michael Steele, the only black man able to make Cliff Huxtable look more “street” than Shaft, was named head of the Republican Party.

FEBRUARY

The Pittsburgh Steelers won their sixth Super Bowl in team history, in an effort to help the city forget about their baseball team.  Macy’s cut 7,000 jobs, including the Simon Bar Sinister balloon, leaving Underdog no one to chase.  Photos “surfaced” of Olympic hero Michael Phelps trying to get a water-pipe out of its wetsuit.  The photos were taken, of course, in South Carolina.  Congress voted another stimulus package into law, guaranteeing the financial solvency of Bernie Madoff’s lawyers.  Facebook announced new Terms of Service policies, which were promptly protested by millions of users updating their statuses.  Hugo Chavez won a huge victory as President of Venezuela when he had term limits eliminated.  From his ranch in Texas, George W. Bush asked if it was too late to do the same here.  In a televised address to the nation, President Obama announced his plan to end the war in Iraq on August 31, 2010 or December 21, 2012, whichever came first.

MARCH

The year of dubious uterine fame continued with rumors that Jon and Kate Gosselin may be splitting up.  The individual agents for their 8 children had no comment.  (Gosselin is apparently French for “the public’s albatross.”)  New Mexico ended their use of the death penalty, prompting every anti-death penalty group in the country to take sole credit, even though no one was paying attention.  After a long and bitter power struggle the President of Madagascar, Marc Ravalomanana, resigned and was replaced by four penguins.  The U.S. pledged $40 Million to Afghanistan to ‘facilitate’ elections under the new “Cash for Kandahari” program.  A Greenville woman continued South Carolina’s march when after unsuccessfully attempting to secure a babysitter for her four month old, she took the child with her… on an attempted armed robbery.

APRIL

Vermont and Sweden separately legalized gay marriage.  North Korea launched a rocket in order to prove to the rest of the world that they still knew which way was up.  Sallie Mae brought over 2,000 jobs back to the United States from overseas.  All 2,000 were assigned to be tech support for India.  Kim Jong Il celebrated his re-election to President of North Korea by singing “To Dream a Dream” on “Britain’s Got Talent.”  Tax-day “tea-party” protesters cheered on Texas Governor Rick Perry when he threatened that Texas might soon secede from the Union.  Perry does not follow through, even though most of the country was fine with his plan.  South Carolina struck again when a wildfire that ravaged Myrtle Beach and environs was revealed to have been a small debris fire started by a man named Torchi and unsuccessfully snuffed by two different firefighters.  Just in time for the annual Memphis in May barbecue competition, Swine Flu reached epidemic proportions in the U.S.  Longtime Republican Arlen Specter changed affiliations and became a Democrat, citing he “just couldn’t stand that Lieberman guy anymore.”  Justice David Souter resigned, citing a similar feeling towards colleague Antonin Scalia.

MAY

Fifty-to-one long shot Mine That Bird won the Kentucky Derby, reminding the country for a moment that people still race horses.  Maine decided Vermont needed a partner and also legalized same-sex marriage.  Scientists revealed the discovery of a missing link of homo sapien, a 47 million year old primate nicknamed “Ida,” who had apparently died after having gone missing after asking for directions of early hominids.  In an effort to help consumers, Congress passed a law restricting the practices of credit card companies.  The companies replied by destroying the credit ratings of everyone in the country, and bombarding the airwaves with more of those “free credit report” singing ads.  A judge in California ended our collective gastro-suspense, throwing out a lawsuit by a woman claiming she was misled by PepsiCo and Quaker into believing that crunchberries were a real fruit.  The Chinese furthered their reputation for being community-minded when a man contemplating suicide by jumping off a bridge during rush-hour was pushed off the bridge by a driver tired of waiting in traffic.  California banned same-sex marriage, convincing everyone that same-sex marriage is only for those in cold climates.  Judge Sonya Sotomayor was chosen to replace David Souter based solely on her ability to intimidate Scalia.  South Carolina gets the last word in May thanks to a Waffle House waitress who pulled a gun on her customers when they complained that her service wasn’t of a high caliber.

JUNE

New Hampshire spotted an opportunity to finally challenge California for tourism dollars and legalized same-sex marriage.  China blocked any and all commemoration of the 20th anniversary of the Tienanmen Square conflict after entertainers submitted as the proposed opening theme “Tanks for the Memories.”  North Korea sentenced two American journalists to 12 years in prison, or until someone other than Hilary Clinton visits.  Former state election chair got South Carolina rolling in June when he compared first lady Michelle Obama to an escaped gorilla.  In Iran, President Ahmadinejad won a landslide re-election, confirmed by a careful scrutineering of ten percent of the ballots forged by his family.  Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf, after being arrested for breaking and entering, apparently only needs enhancement surgery to be an adequate example of every use of the word “bust.”  Jon and Kate continued their efforts to be the John and Lorena of the 2000s when they announce their legal separation.  Agents for their 8 kids had no comment, and rumors that Jon was dating the Octomom and that Kate was trying to re-form “Flock of Seaguls” were also dismissed.  Michael Jackson died suddenly, and was honored in a moving ceremony sponsored by Isotoner and Ray-Ban.  Jackson’s death was not enough to keep South Carolina out of the news, as it was revealed that Governor Mark Sanford did not like to hike the Appalachian Trail as reported, but in fact was flying back and forth to South America to have an extramarital affair with an Argentinian woman.  Most South Carolinians breathed a mild sigh of relief that Sanford was not sleeping with a cousin, which would have furthered the embarrassment of South Carolinians everywhere.

However…

The year was young!

Next week…  Part Two!

Another one of those multi-topic posts of whatever I’ve had on the brain of late.  Starting with:

• Apparently, not long after leaving office while giving a business address in Canada, former President Bush announced he would soon begin an international speaking tour.  Like his town hall meetings, the audience is to be preselected to his skills as an orator.  Bush hopes to be able to open for Raffi at least ten times this year.
• Alton Brown recently sat for a series of video interviews on the food blog Serious Eats.  The best is the description of some fried chicken he had during the motorcycle tour broadcast on Feasting on Asphalt.
• It amazes me that in today’s economy, where auto companies are severing ties with dealers (and not allowing said dealers to return the cars to the manufacturers) and nearly every industry is downsizing, that this online dealer remains in business.  After all, it’s hard to slum it in a $150 sundress.
• Caught a few minutes of a cooking show on American Life TV (yes – before a rerun of M:I) where one ingredient was referred to as Graham Masilla.  Ah, the wonders of diversity.
• A new football league is starting up.  No, not the UFL…  The LFL – the Lingerie Football League.  I’m guessing this is Victoria’s Secret.  (This, or that lingerie models stink in a 3-4 defensive formation.)
• Saw Star Trek with the wife.  Holy crap what a great movie!
• And finally, I’ve succumbed.  I’ve been borgified.  I’ve started a Twitter account.  Weep for me.

Well, had I waited another week or so, I would have only had to be treated for pneumonia.  However, since I was silly enough to go to the doctor to find out what he could do for me after a month of playing “what color is the drainage now?”  As it turns out, I have Sinusitis and Bronchitis.  Woo-hoo!  Hopefully the two-week antibiotic treatment will at the very least unclog my head enough to get rid of this congestion in both ears that make me think I’ve got a shell stapled to my head.  When the doctor looked at my ear, he said I may need to see a specialist, since my eardrum looked “convoluted.”  Nice.  So apparently I not only march to a different drummer, I can’t get them in synch!

A couple of other items…

• Marvin Harrison finally whined about himself to the Colts, who granted him a release.  I give him one more year before he retires, based on production and injuries over the past two years.
• My sleep patterns have created a weird sleep schedule, so I fell asleep during Obama’s speech last night (thank you, DVRs), but I have one comment about Michelle.  While I won’t engage in the discussions about her being the best-looking First Lady in years, I will say that yes, she is a very attractive woman, and for me it all comes from the fact that she has a bright, (and more importantly) genuine smile.  A complete turnaround from what we had been subjected to these past eight years, with Laura Bush’s fixed expression unmoving the whole time.
• Someone needs to remind Hillary that it isn’t her party, both literally and figuratively.
• The stimulus package has already created work!  It took two guys to say “Madame Speaker, the President of the United States!”
• Leverage finished its first season this week.  I do hope it starts up again soon…  It’s the best new show on teevee.
• The Penguins fired coach Michel Therrien and promoted Dan Bylsma, who apparently has a grudge against his former Wilkes-Barre players Kris Letang and Bill Thomas, who were two of the very few bright spots on the team for the two weeks prior to Therrien’s firing.  Let’s hope that the “interim” tag is never lifted from Bylsma, who needs to learn that holding a grudge only hurts your team.
• USF1 officially launched the other day.  Despite being partly owned by a Brit, I am looking forward to a team that is almost entirely American competing against the overspending and underachieving European teams that sneer at Americans who show any interest in Formula 1.

I’d have more to say if I weren’t tapping this in from the mobile…

My gut is screaming at me not to ignore Arizona.

I’m married to a woman whose family is from Pittsburgh.

My choice is clear: Bud Light.

Sigh… Alright… Steelers, 24-23. (MVP Could be Fitzgerald either way, but it’ll probably go to Roethlisburger.)

More tomorrow, including why I feel like Arizona has a chance.

Later…

Btw – congrats to new parents D&A!

I’ve been away for a while.  Two-thirds of the family (or, based on weight, more like 90%) have been remarkably sick of late, with Squirmese a happy and oblivious carrier.  There have been a lot of things going on that I want to comment on, but I’m still just enough out of it that I haven’t even been able to finish my single-box Sudoku.  I also have to post my pick for the Super Bowl.  Ant is flying home soon, so if he doesn’t get a pick posted, he’s got a mulligan from me.  I am still riding the fence on which team I think will win.  (No – really – I am!)  Hopefully Monday or Tuesday I’ll be up to posting a few items.  In the meantime, my Super Bowl pick should be up sometime tomorrow afternoon.

Meanwhile, my wife and I will continue to play “what color is it today?”

Oy.  Picks aside, the AFC game will be a slugfest, and the NFC game will be just two QBs throwing it up as high as they can.

For me, the AFC game is easy to pick, since I’m married to someone with ties to Pittsburgh.  As for the NFC game…

I have been back and forth on this for days.  After all, my gut is 1-1 these playoffs.  Philly is playing very strong, but their run attack isn’t too involved right now.  So far, it’s all McNabb.  Their defense has played quite well, but at the same time, they will on occasion give up a big play.  I am not willing to go on their Thanksgiving Day carving (sorry – I had to) of the Cardinals as an indicator of this weekend’s game.  The Cardinals have surprised everyone and have been rewarded with hosting the NFC Championship game, when before this the team hadn’t even won more than one playoff game in a given season.  (Okay – they’ve only won two before this year, and one of those was in Chicago!)  Kurt Warner is enjoying a stellar year and the Cards seem to have found a three-headed monster running attack with a rejuvenated Edge.  I actually think this will be a closer game, mostly out of the scrappy nature that both teams have shown of late.  As for who will win?  You know, everything points to a Keystone state Super Bowl.  Everything.  That usually means that the opposite will happen, and we’ll end up with two avian themed teams, with Baltimore winning their second Super Bowl.  Also, what isn’t helping is that I picked against the Cards each of the past two weeks, and we know how that turned out for me.  Ugh.

So…

Based on everything / my gut / rolling chicken bones…

I’m picking…

Pittsburgh and Aridelphia.

Pittsburgh and Philazona.

Dangit…

Alright…

The Steelers and the Cardinals.

Ugh.  Let’s see, where was I?  Oh, right:

Game Three: Philadelphia at New York -New York is favored, and Philly is (no pun intended) on a roll.  However, Philly’s starters are banged up enough that it could get hairy facing the Giants’ D-line.  The Giants have also had time to get healthy and plan for another game without Plaxico.  So, I have to go with my gut: New York.

Game Four: San Diego at Pittsburgh – Oy.  San Diego looked pretty good in just barely beating the Colts in OT.  Things would be different, though, had Indy won the toss.  I like the Chargers on the whole, particularly backup running back Sproles, but I just can’t pick against the Steelers.

Almost forgot to get these posted (busier than normal day at work, and I’m still here so I hope to not miss too much of the early game)!  Since I’m running behind, I’ll save comments for later (or just short and snarky for now).

Game One: Baltimore at Tennessee – As impressive as the Titans have been, you also have to account for luck.  Plus, center Kevin Mawae is out.  Advantage, and my pick, thus to the Ravens.

Game Two: Arizona at Carolina – Seriously?  Want a good idea of how this game will go?  Check out the records of West-coast teams travelling East.  Panthers.

More later…

Well, after a regular season that actually turned out to be interesting, Anthony and I are fairly close in numbers.  Interestingly, had he not used his mulligan picks and outright picked Raiders games with his gut, we would be tied.  We both have 85 incorrect picks, but I lead in correct picks, 166 to 159 (or, for the mathematically inclined, I lead with 66.1% to Ant’s 65.2%).

We’ve decided to carry this on into the playoffs (much to Jim Mora’s chagrin), with a slight wrinkle to make it interesting.  For one, mulligans are no more.  Second, and more importantly, should Anthony and I pick different teams for a particular game, that correct pick is worth two points.

The big problem here is that there’s no Detroit or Cincinnati to pick against.  No, here, every team has a chance to win it all.  Even Arizona.  Well, in week one, anyway.

Alright…  Down to the picks.  I hope.  (BTW, I reserve the right to change the picks up to a few minutes before the kickoff of the first game of the day.  That helps if, say, McNabb can’t play and it’s only announced an hour before tomorrow’s games.  This right is also extended to Anthony, of course.)

GAME ONE:  Atlanta Falcons at Arizona Cardinals – While right now none of the home teams are favored.  This may be the only advantage the Cardinals have over the Falcons, who have similar records in all sorts of variables.  However, one thing sticks out to me: when the Cards lost games after their bye, they got pounded, as if they just gave up.  Each loss for the Falcons in that same period has been by one score or less.  Plus, the Falcons have a better defense than the Cards, and the Cards tend to fold up their run game and ride Kurt Warner against decent defenses.  So…  I gotta go with the Falcons for this one.

GAME TWO:  Indianapolis Colts at San Diego Chargers – It just was announced that LT has a torn tendon in his groin.  I guess there’s no Slap Chop for him, hunh?  I know that the Chargers have done well the last three weeks to even get into the playoffs, but do consider that their last four wins were against the Raiders, Bucs, KC and the Broncos.  Also, the Colts beat the Chargers a few weeks ago, and since then, the Colts have gotten healthier while the Chargers are now at the mercy of Norv’s play-calling.  Even if I had a mulligan here, I would still pick the Colts.

GAME THREE:  Baltimore Ravens at Miami Dolphins – Since losing to Baltimore at home in week seven, when they were declared a “gimmick team at best” with a 2-4 record, the Dolphins have only lost to New England.  Pennington has carried this team on his bad shoulders, and with Parcells in the booth, anything can happen.  However, all five Ravens losses came against good playoff teams, including the Titans, Colts, and Giants.  As much as I would like to pick the Dolphins (the emotional pick this round?), I have to go with the Ravens, although I would not be surprised if it went the other way.

GAME FOUR:  Philadelphia Eagles at Minnesota Vikings – Probably the least interesting game this weekend.  I couldn’t care less about either team, except that the deeper the Eagles get into the playoffs, the more that screwdriver digs into T.O.  Minnesota is a completely different team depending on their QB, who is Jackson this week.  Both have split games with division rivals, but the Vikings are in a decidedly more easy division than the Eagles.  Strangest statistic?  Philly has yet to play a game in a dome this year.  My gut, in addition to telling me it’s time for a snack, is leaning towards Philly.

We shall see what happens.  In the meantime, Ant, it’s on you now…