So…  I noticed recently that Scripps, the company that owns Food Network, DIY and HGTV, has purchased the Travel Channel.  This got me thinking about a couple of things.  First, the Food Network started out being a network supposedly devoted to teaching people how to cook or improve upon already existing skills.  Someone at the network decided that if Emeril needed a Tonight Show style audience and band, then food was entertainment…  So why not give viewers almost nothing related to the original mission statement, and go with dog (biscuit) and pony (keg) shows?

While I’m slightly encouraged by the re-emergence of a channel devoted to teaching everything from basic skills to advanced concepts, I fear for what might happen when advertisers catch on, as they did a few years ago with Food Network.

By the way, if you’re reading this, Alton, I’m still waiting for you to show me how to turn a thirty dollar fish tank into a home sous vide machine.  Another aside: will we now be able to see shows actually about traveling on the Travel Channel, or will ownership by the Food Network simply continue the run of fratboy-appeal overeating shows?  I also wonder if Bourdain is ticked he’s working for Scripps again…

Back to our show…

So, if the Cooking Channel will in theory teach us how to cook…  What then happens to the Food Network?  This got me thinking of what the future landscape of television will be.

I present to you my vision for a few new channels we can expect on the horizon:

  • The Cooking Channel: A network devoted solely to showing you people cooking.  No instruction, no fuss, just voyeuristic video of everyday people cooking.  Graduation to The Next Food Network Star is prohibited.  (Hey!  You in Illinois!  No frying bacon naked!  Get a robe!)
  • The (New) Food Network: Video of nothing but food.  Peppers.  Tomatoes.  Pizza…  If you want to look at food, this is the network for you!  Inspired by the now-classic network…
  • Hearth in Home: During Winter months, it’s video of a fire in the fireplace, and during warm months, it’s an unlit fake log from Noon to midnight, and a flower arrangement in the hearth from Midnight to noon.  Or a sleeping cat.
  • The Article Network: No, it’s not a new news network.  It’s devoted solely to the words “A,” “An,” and “The.”  Why?  Well shoot: y’all watch American Idol…you’ll watch anything.
  • The Warhol Network: Are you a fan of Jon & Kate?  Their precocious 8?  What about those dynamic citizens on Real Housewives or Jersey Shore?  Wonder what happened to all those Survivor losers?  Even Liz Hasselbeck?  Then this is the network for you!  But don’t turn away!  Every attention-hungry jackass that led to the “reality boom” is here, but only for fifteen minutes, at which point they are deported to the Arctic Circle.  However, if you must continue to follow the “exploits” of these nitwits, you have only to thank…
  • The Cold Day Of Hell-raisers Network: Combining America’s love of penguins with their love of preening idiots!  Thanks to a single, stationary camera strategically placed at the North Pole, you can watch every former “reality” star or overall self-important teevee doofus huddle for warmth in front of the camera!
  • The Superiority Network: Saddened by the intelligence level of the average American?  Then this is your network!  Sit back and enjoy infomercials for the EZCracker, the Slap Chop, the Perfect Fit Button, or the Bender Ball, all designed to make you feel far superior to your fellow Americans!  Operators (carefully selected to be dumber than you) are standing by!
  • ESPnueve: Because it’s inevitable.  This channel features Curling and Figure skating, those once-every-four-years cold weather sports people say they love.  Well, here’s the test.  (Network note: if this doesn’t work, we’ll simply combine the sports, and have the Canadian Women’s Curling Team yell constantly at the skaters and see who survives…)
  • The Inferiority Network: Is Eeyore your role model?  Can’t bear to get out of your pajamas, much less your bed?  Then this is your network!  Sit back and enjoy infomercials for the EZCracker, the Slap Chop, the Perfect Fit Button, or the Bender Ball, products designed to make you feel better about yourself and help you learn to interact with the average American!  Operators (carefully selected to be nice to you) are standing by!
  • Foxseeyennen: Hate news but want to at least appear to have a clue?  Then leave your dial (dial?  what’s that?) tuned to the news network, Foxseeyennen, where you get all the day’s news, 24-7, in the latest time-honored tradition: Yelled at you by people too stupid to understand what they’re saying!  (Note: there is nothing wrong with your set; yes, there are two different stories being yelled at once, with a crying narcissist stuck in the middle.  That’s how we like it.  And that’s how you like it too.  Because we said so.)
  • The Channel Channel: Can’t decide what to watch, then have we got a solution for you!  Better get a big teevee, ’cause we’re broadcasting to you every channel live!  However, because there are so many channels, each one is allowed only one pixel, so you may want to sit close.  Bonus: See which historical dictator/genocidal madman is hidden in each day’s broadcast! (Sponsored by MagicEyestrain.)

And there you have it!  Aren’t you glad you’re still paying $200 a month to those cable or satellite companies?  So far?

There really is no greater window to the American psyche and character than late night ads and infomercials.  Nothing else helps us understand our idiosyncrasies and failures.  Only in this country (maybe England, as well) could we create celebrity out of commercials.  (Latest example?  He smells different and is on a horse.)  From the Maytag Man to the late Billy Mays, and from Clara Peller or the Snapple Lady to Vince the Slap Chop guy, we have an uncanny ability to create fame from nothing.  Clearly, advertising in this country is a powerful thing.

However, it also shows another side of our collective persona: we are a nation of gullible idiots.  The most recent case in point is something called the “EZ Cracker,” a rather archaic torture device supposedly designed to take the difficulty out of cracking and separating eggs.

One commonality amongst these ads are those few moments at the beginning of the ad where we are shown various scenes designed (hopefully) to make us sit up and take notice of some otherworldly dilemma.  Said dilemma will soon be completely solved for us by the miracle product they are breathlessly waiting to sell us!  However…

Pay any attention to these ads and you will notice that no matter how useful the gadget being sold might be, the people acting out our frustrations involving said activity the gadget is designed to end are, and this is only my observation, lobotomized hand models.  At best.

Is it really that difficult to form a hamburger patty, Mr Mays?  No, of course not.  A piece of plastic wrap and the lid from a 32-ounce jar of mayonnaise will do the trick if you don’t have the patience to form them by hand.

Are blankets really that complex and difficult in relation to one’s arms?  No.

But these product prove that when you have a fairly goofball idea and an audience of insomniacs (or better, people recovering from surgery that can’t sleep and are hopped up on pain meds) in front of their teevees with credit cards in hand, you can make a lot of money.

Sure, you might be saying to yourself that you are a lot smarter than the average bear, and as such are not vulnerable to such obvious pitchwork.  That may be true, dear reader, but if I may note: Someone is.  After all, if these adverts were not successful, would you know who the hell Billy Mays was at all?  Or would there be a television show centered around the creation of these adverts on the Discovery channel?

So, whereas all advertising is designed to make us want something no matter how much we do not need the product, or how stupid the product really is upon reflection…  What the hell makes those late night adverts and infomercials so…  Compellingly ridiculous?

Seriously, what the hell made a blanket with sleeves, a super-absorbent cloth, or a knife that (supposedly) can cut a brick such national phenomena?

The advert for the EZ Cracker may help, in general terms.  (One sidebar: the first “spokesperson” for the EZ Cracker?  The Snapple Lady.  Not kidding.)

First, we have the intro, which shows us that you are not alone!  No, you are not the only person having trouble neatly cracking eggs, especially when you throw them at a frying pan!  Or how about when we’ve all had to recover an egg once we’ve slammed a fork onto the egg, like some out-of-practice Nazi torturer?  And don’t forget how everyone cracks an egg by squeezing it like a stress ball while simultaneously slamming it on the counter?

Clearly, these first few moments are designed to make us feel superior, and setting us up to feel inferior.  Why superior?  The examples of egg-cracking are so absurd that we all pretty much react with a jaded “oh, come on!”  The inferiority comes at the next segment, which introduces the product.

At the introduction, to counteract any potential rejection of the product, they move to the phase where they explain just why you need this product!  For the EZ Cracker, that particular reason is that it saves you from cleaning up poorly cracked eggs.  And, to drive home that point, they use the same lobotomized hand models who were just playing handball with the eggs to crack them in segment one to clean up the mess.

These nitwads use a variety of items to clean up the eggmess, including a washcloth and a single paper towel.  Ironically, no one uses a Shamwow.

Then we get another handful of demonstrations of how well the product is supposed to work, or how much easier it is to read now that you have sleeves.  Then the more maddening aspect of the ad begins, and we are shown just how much we can do because of this miracle device!

Only now with the EZ Cracker, for example, can you make an eggwhite omelet, or make a meringue.  Because, of course, there was just no way in hell you could ever do these things before, but now that you can (Shazam!) get into the egg…

But wait! There’s more!

Now that we’ve been lulled into feeling both superior to the product, and unable to live without, it…  The kicker!

Not only do we get our egg cracking whiz of a device for only $19.95 (or, in another version, just two payments of ten dollars!), we get…

(Are you sitting down?)

A free gift!

The EZ Cracker has been advertised with two different free gifts: The Bacon Wave (designed to microwave a pound of bacon by standing the strips up in a bizarre truss), and the Egg Scrambler.

I have to admit that the egg scrambler looks more like an…  Adult toy than a culinary tool.  (And no, by “culinary tool,” I do not mean Rocco DiSpirito.)

Basically, you stick an egg onto this stick with a needle protruding from the top, and the needle vibrates enough to scramble the egg within the shell, which (exactly!) you then crack with your snazzy EZ Cracker!

Genius!

Not so much.  Considering my firsthand experience when icepick meets thumb, I am perfectly fine scrambling my egg with a fork in a bowl, which is probably far more sanitary than a hard to clean (without drawing blood, anyway) device like the Scrambler.

How these devices are supposed to sweeten the pot and make you pick up that phone and order this eventual kitchen sculpture is unclear, but it works.

The finale is usually designed to incite near panic, with the announcement that not only should you act on this great deal, but these products are not available in stores!  (Again, anyone who has inadvertently wandered through the center sections of one’s local megamart or discount store can tell you they are not only available in stores, they’re cheaper!)

Sigh.

What makes these adverts so maddening is that they do work.  Someone will buy the advertised product because at that moment, they have to have it!  With this egg cracker, people will order it not realizing that (a) they will have to handle the cracked shells no matter what, EZ Cracker or not, and (b) a small saucer and a moment of care cracks the egg just as well, if not better, than said device.  (And if you really need that thing to separate eggs, you can buy something much like the separating attachment for about $5 at your local discount-mart.)  Normally intelligent people are stupid at times.

Don’t believe me?  Look at that coffee you just got from your local CafeBucks.  There is a warning on your coffee that (please…  Sit down…  We at the ICRVN don’t have legal counsel if this upsets you) your coffee is hot!  Do you remember why?  Yep some dipnugget spilled coffee on herself, and sued the restaurant for serving her…  Hot coffee!

Warnings like that and devices like the EZ Cracker exist because someone is going to need one.

However, I have to say that even if you simply cannot handle cracking an egg without some sort of aid, the EZ Cracker may not be right for you.  Search YouTube and a video comes up reviewing the EZ Cracker, revealing that it works, but only begrudgingly at best, and it really doesn’t do much of what is advertised (no!).

Pay attention, for example, to the part where it cracks a hard-boiled egg, and you might just notice that editing is slickly performed to not actually show them peeling the same egg they cracked.  Not only that, but when they actually remove the egg from the two shell halves, you might notice the fact that they are removing a medium hard boiled egg from a large egg shell.

Kinda makes a difference, you know.

(By the way…  How do the makers of the EGGstractor feel about the EZ Cracker?  Just wondering…)

The EZ Cracker is also not dishwasher safe, making cleaning a bother, and therefore the device becomes a bacterial breeding ground.  Fun for the whole family!

Every facet of life has been targeted by these silly products and commercials.  From the “Perfect Brownie” pan to the “EmoryCat” de-clawer, any activity on any level of difficulty will inevitably earn its own infomercial product.  Don’t believe me?  Google “butter dispenser,” and see how someone managed to think pushing butter through a playdoh extruder was something we couldn’t live without.

Try “chillow” to see just what wonders science have done to remove us from the stress of flipping a pillow over!

Or, for that one thing you simply cannot live without, search “presidential knife set,” and thank me later.

But do it quick, this is a limited time commentary, and operators are napping.

Wow…  It’s been a while since I posted anything here…  Well, I’ve got a post that will be up in a couple of hours, but I wanted to post a couple of notes and observations on long gone stuff no one cares about anymore:

  • Did anyone watch that two-day “special” on ABC recently called Thin Ice?  It was a screwy ice skating competition designed to take advantage of the recent Olympics, and copy once again the Dancing With the Stars success.  Well, at least ABC hoped it would share that DWTS success.  They even went so far as to copy the judging format: like DWTS, Thin Ice featured a hot Asian with plenty of knowledge of the activity in question (Kristi Yamaguchi), an aging poof no one really cares about (Dick Button), and the out-of-their-skull foreigner (Katarina Witt).  They even had the kinda-cute yet mostly annoying co-host (Elisabeth Hasselbeck) paired with the trying-too-hard host (Kurt Browning).  SOmehow, I doubt this show will be back.
  • Formula One is back!  Woo!  This makes me almost as happy as the fact that Michael Schumacher has been out-raced by his younger team-mate both races so far.
  • Re-listening to the old NPR radio drama performances of Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back, and as good an adaptation as it is, it does make me laugh that to fill “dead air” during purely visual scenes from the film, added dialogue makes Luke whinier!
  • I don’t normally get into (poor choice of words) celebrity scandals or the like, but I have to say…  (A) His name is Jesse James.  That should be clue one that he’s not the most trustworthy.  (B) His second wife was a porn star.  Why are we surprised that he’s a bit freaky? (C) “Skittles Valentine?”  Please.

In the next couple of weeks (starting in a couple of hours), I will be posting entries on the gullibility of the average American, why Virginia’s governor needs some schoolin’, and what’s wrong with thie newest trend in food: Umami.  Thanks for coming back!

Part two begins…

JULY

The Republican party got a sense of deja vu when the courts awarded the vacant senate seat in Minnesota to Al Franken.  India outlawed their ban on homosexuality, going against the cold-weather trend.  Citing a lack of “VP Candidate level perks and an inability to see much financial future in politics,” Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska to better help herself.  44 people, including three New Jersey mayors, were arrested for corruption and money laundering after no one told them the Sopranos was just a TV show.  South Carolina’s charge to infamy burst out of the gates in July when a Conway man was arrested for violating his probation.  He had been on probation for having sex with a horse.  He violated his probation by having sex with the same horse!  Sadly, this means that criminals practicing beastiality are more faithful than the state’s governor.

AUGUST

Figuring Bill was better than the other option, North Korea released the two jailed US journalists at the request of the more masculine (well, visually at least) Clinton.  Canadians everywhere rejoiced as Jeremy Roenick finally retired from the NHL, and moved on to annoy the TV and film industry.  “No Politician Left Behind” poster girl Sarah Palin protested death panels that did not exist and were also not in any form or draft of any legislation whatsoever.  Handlers suggested that no matter how dreamy she thought Heston was, she should stop watching Soylent Green constantly for ideas.  Cited for everything BUT job performance, Ben Bernanke was nominated for another term as head of the Federal Reserve.  A man from South Carolina (of course) died after he robbed a store having spray-painted his face to conceal his identity.  Edward Kennedy, longtime lion of the Senate, and the last politician to say that he cared about “regular folk” and actually do so, succumbed to cancer.  He will be missed.

SEPTEMBER

Kate Gosselin filmed a talk show pilot with Paula Deen, calling into question both the nature of fame and the need for talk shows.  The mayor of Willford in (say it with me) South Carolina issued an order preventing police from chasing certain suspects in order to save the town money.  President Obama gave an address via CCTV to students all over the country, stressing that they work hard and stay in school.  Republicans immediately adopted a “stay lazy and skirt through” policy, modelled after the successful plan of the previous president.  In an emotional and unplanned outburst, Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina yells out “You Lie!” at the president during his joint session speech about health care.  Wilson would be rebuked by Congress a week later not for his outburst, but for being from South Carolina.  YO! YO! I’M GONNA LET YOU FINISH, YO, BUT I GOTTA SAY THAT CALIFORNIA HAD A WORSE YEAR, YO! Moving on…  Mackenzie Phillips released a book about why we all prefer Valeri Bertinelli.  Glenn Beck announced on Fox and Friends that he believed Obama to be a racist with deep-seeded hatred towards whites.  Obama refuted these claims, saying that he loved “all people.  Well, except for the batshit insane white folks on teevee with no link to reality or sense of decency.”

OCTOBER

Rio De Janiero won the 2016 Olympics over Chicago with a simple proposal of “it’s the summer games.  Whose citizens do you really want to see in bathing suits?”  President Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize for his July Beer Summit at the White House.  Tiger Woods led the US team to victory in the President’s Cup despite claims he still needed help with his putter.  Ballooning for Children becomes a nationwide rage, quickly replaced by attic hiding.  Roman Polanski is arrested in Switzerland for his 1977 charge of molestation, after he was told to come to Zurich to accept his Publishers Clearing House prize.  The Assistant Attorney General of South (wait for it…) Carolina, Roland Corning, was arrested when he was discovered in a cemetery with various “aids” and an 18-year-old stripper.

NOVEMBER

A heat wave swept through Maine, so the state repealed the new same-sex marriage law.  Analysts pointed to the new 10% unemployment rate as a clear indicator that the recession was over.  It was revealed that there was in fact water on the moon.  It was in a Deer Park dispenser left there from 1969.  The government changed the insurance regulations and standards to change the standard age for mammograms for women to 50, while changing the standard age for free viagra to “whenever a man damn well pleases.”  A 600 pound cow fell from the sky and landed in a swimming pool in…  South Carolina.  Oprah, clearly defying the Mayans, announced her show would end on September 11, 2011.  In response, Jon and Kate ended their television show, and a nation shrugged its shoulders.  Tiger Woods, again having driving problems, ran into the ultimate sand trap.

DECEMBER

President Obama announced on national television that there was a timetable for withdrawal from Afghanistan, but that immediately, troop increases would take place.  The mayor of Arlington Texas, Russell Wiseman, claimed that our “muslim president” strategically timed his announcement to deliberately block the broadcast of A Charlie Brown Christmas.  Obama responded that a real Christian would own the DVD.  GE was able to sell NBC Universal to Comcast by convincing the company that Seinfeld and Cosby were just on a temporary holiday.  The divorce of Jon and Kate Gosselin was finalized, thereby confirming the Republican’s drive to save the sanctity of marriage.  South Carolina almost made it a month, were it not for the announcement by state First Lady Jenny Sanford that she was divorcing her husband, once he got back from the Appalachian Trail.

*Sigh.*

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!

(Well – not you, South Carolina…  TRY to stay clean for 2010, okay?)

Part One…

To misquote FDR, 2009 is a year that will live in infamy.  Particularly if you are from South Carolina…  as I am.  While other states tried to take the spotlight from my home state, nothing worked, and my home state led with the biggest “WTF” moments throughout the year.  So, join me as I look back on a strange and screwy 2009, with a special focus on the inglorious, infamous events in and from South Carolina that proved that the South really isn’t all that deep.

JANUARY

The year began with Steve Jobs taking a leave of absence from Apple, prompting Circuit City to close from the stress.  U.S.Air pilot Chelsey “Sully” Sullenberger successfully tested the new Hudson River test landing strip, using flight 1549 as a flotation device.  The year of infamy started for South Carolina when state Senator Robert Ford (a former confidant to Martin Luther King, Jr) entered legislation to ban “saggy pants” and profanity.  No one was sure if the ban on profanity was to quell still lingering “WTF” reactions to Ford’s previous legislation combining MLK day with Confederate Memorial Day.  In one of the longest ceremonies ever, which included a lip-syncing cello and the Mad Hatter, Jesus was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States.  The year’s other theme, “dubious fame for the overworked uterus,” began with a California woman giving birth to eight babies and one agent.  An ignominious end came for the Democratic Party / Hair Club for Men experimental partnership when Rod Blagojevich was formally removed from office in Illinois (his hair was finally extricated in June).  The month ended with Michael Steele, the only black man able to make Cliff Huxtable look more “street” than Shaft, was named head of the Republican Party.

FEBRUARY

The Pittsburgh Steelers won their sixth Super Bowl in team history, in an effort to help the city forget about their baseball team.  Macy’s cut 7,000 jobs, including the Simon Bar Sinister balloon, leaving Underdog no one to chase.  Photos “surfaced” of Olympic hero Michael Phelps trying to get a water-pipe out of its wetsuit.  The photos were taken, of course, in South Carolina.  Congress voted another stimulus package into law, guaranteeing the financial solvency of Bernie Madoff’s lawyers.  Facebook announced new Terms of Service policies, which were promptly protested by millions of users updating their statuses.  Hugo Chavez won a huge victory as President of Venezuela when he had term limits eliminated.  From his ranch in Texas, George W. Bush asked if it was too late to do the same here.  In a televised address to the nation, President Obama announced his plan to end the war in Iraq on August 31, 2010 or December 21, 2012, whichever came first.

MARCH

The year of dubious uterine fame continued with rumors that Jon and Kate Gosselin may be splitting up.  The individual agents for their 8 children had no comment.  (Gosselin is apparently French for “the public’s albatross.”)  New Mexico ended their use of the death penalty, prompting every anti-death penalty group in the country to take sole credit, even though no one was paying attention.  After a long and bitter power struggle the President of Madagascar, Marc Ravalomanana, resigned and was replaced by four penguins.  The U.S. pledged $40 Million to Afghanistan to ‘facilitate’ elections under the new “Cash for Kandahari” program.  A Greenville woman continued South Carolina’s march when after unsuccessfully attempting to secure a babysitter for her four month old, she took the child with her… on an attempted armed robbery.

APRIL

Vermont and Sweden separately legalized gay marriage.  North Korea launched a rocket in order to prove to the rest of the world that they still knew which way was up.  Sallie Mae brought over 2,000 jobs back to the United States from overseas.  All 2,000 were assigned to be tech support for India.  Kim Jong Il celebrated his re-election to President of North Korea by singing “To Dream a Dream” on “Britain’s Got Talent.”  Tax-day “tea-party” protesters cheered on Texas Governor Rick Perry when he threatened that Texas might soon secede from the Union.  Perry does not follow through, even though most of the country was fine with his plan.  South Carolina struck again when a wildfire that ravaged Myrtle Beach and environs was revealed to have been a small debris fire started by a man named Torchi and unsuccessfully snuffed by two different firefighters.  Just in time for the annual Memphis in May barbecue competition, Swine Flu reached epidemic proportions in the U.S.  Longtime Republican Arlen Specter changed affiliations and became a Democrat, citing he “just couldn’t stand that Lieberman guy anymore.”  Justice David Souter resigned, citing a similar feeling towards colleague Antonin Scalia.

MAY

Fifty-to-one long shot Mine That Bird won the Kentucky Derby, reminding the country for a moment that people still race horses.  Maine decided Vermont needed a partner and also legalized same-sex marriage.  Scientists revealed the discovery of a missing link of homo sapien, a 47 million year old primate nicknamed “Ida,” who had apparently died after having gone missing after asking for directions of early hominids.  In an effort to help consumers, Congress passed a law restricting the practices of credit card companies.  The companies replied by destroying the credit ratings of everyone in the country, and bombarding the airwaves with more of those “free credit report” singing ads.  A judge in California ended our collective gastro-suspense, throwing out a lawsuit by a woman claiming she was misled by PepsiCo and Quaker into believing that crunchberries were a real fruit.  The Chinese furthered their reputation for being community-minded when a man contemplating suicide by jumping off a bridge during rush-hour was pushed off the bridge by a driver tired of waiting in traffic.  California banned same-sex marriage, convincing everyone that same-sex marriage is only for those in cold climates.  Judge Sonya Sotomayor was chosen to replace David Souter based solely on her ability to intimidate Scalia.  South Carolina gets the last word in May thanks to a Waffle House waitress who pulled a gun on her customers when they complained that her service wasn’t of a high caliber.

JUNE

New Hampshire spotted an opportunity to finally challenge California for tourism dollars and legalized same-sex marriage.  China blocked any and all commemoration of the 20th anniversary of the Tienanmen Square conflict after entertainers submitted as the proposed opening theme “Tanks for the Memories.”  North Korea sentenced two American journalists to 12 years in prison, or until someone other than Hilary Clinton visits.  Former state election chair got South Carolina rolling in June when he compared first lady Michelle Obama to an escaped gorilla.  In Iran, President Ahmadinejad won a landslide re-election, confirmed by a careful scrutineering of ten percent of the ballots forged by his family.  Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf, after being arrested for breaking and entering, apparently only needs enhancement surgery to be an adequate example of every use of the word “bust.”  Jon and Kate continued their efforts to be the John and Lorena of the 2000s when they announce their legal separation.  Agents for their 8 kids had no comment, and rumors that Jon was dating the Octomom and that Kate was trying to re-form “Flock of Seaguls” were also dismissed.  Michael Jackson died suddenly, and was honored in a moving ceremony sponsored by Isotoner and Ray-Ban.  Jackson’s death was not enough to keep South Carolina out of the news, as it was revealed that Governor Mark Sanford did not like to hike the Appalachian Trail as reported, but in fact was flying back and forth to South America to have an extramarital affair with an Argentinian woman.  Most South Carolinians breathed a mild sigh of relief that Sanford was not sleeping with a cousin, which would have furthered the embarrassment of South Carolinians everywhere.

However…

The year was young!

Next week…  Part Two!

There is a gentleman out there that I would consider a friend (and not just in the “Facebook” sense) that I have to admit…  I am very jealous of right now.  Allow me a moment to elaborate:

When I was younger, I really wanted to be Bob Costas.  Not because I wanted to be shorter or have less facial hair, but because Costas had the coolest job in the world.  He was the host of NBC’s late-late night talk show Later, an half-hour interview program in which Costas spent the entire 22 minutes with one guest for an in-depth conversation.  No band, no gimmicks, just a real dialogue.

Costas interviewed a great variety of people from nearly every walk of public life, from Julian Bond to Dana Carvey.  These interviews would have you completely engrossed no matter who was being interviewed.  While Costas is a fantastic sports broadcaster, his real skill was in interviewing.

I wanted to be that Costas, able to interview anyone at any time, while dreaming that I could be as good an interviewer as Costas.

Well, my friend John Milewski of the Wilson Center in D.C. has done something very close to that.

John is the new host of the Wilson Center’s interview show Dialogue.  John (much like Cowher did Knoll) took over recently for the previous host George Liston Seay who passed away some months ago.  Dialogue is a show that I was familiar with before Milewski took over, but not a regular viewer of, and that is entirely my fault as it is the closest show you will find that resembles the old Later, with some Bill Moyers thrown in for good measure.  While I have teased John about doing a hockey show, he is in the perfect situation to do just that.  The format of the show is set perfectly to allow John to do a human rights show one week, and a show on the economics of sports the next.  Not only is the show set up to allow for such diversity, John has the chops to handle that broad range of topics as well.

I would highly encourage anyone who can find the show on their local PBS or MhZ affiliate to give Dialogue a chance, particularly if the topic piques your interest in the slightest.  I have no doubt that John and his production team will not let you down.

Now, if only John could find some way to get a certain sub-mariner into the set dressing…

* * *

John’s first episode as host and executive producer of Dialogue aired last night, with a round table discussion about the current and future state of the newspaper industry.  John’s panelists were Len Downie (formerly of the Washington Post), Allison Silver (Washington Independent and the Huffington Post), and Professor Paul Starr (Professor of Sociology at Princeton).

I have to say that I found a touch of irony in this topic, as John helped relaunch the Newseum in D.C. last year.

The basic direction of the discussion was “what’s next” for newspapers, and do they in fact have a future?  One thing I found interesting, but not surprising, was how connected each member of the panel was to their past and their expectations for the medium.  Downie, a former editor at the Post and an investigative journalist for the paper in it’s most celebrated past (the Watergate era), believed that the newspaper had its heyday from the early 1970s to the early days of the current internet era.  He also believed that the size of the bullpen today was still larger than when he was a reporter, and his concern was would editorial boards be able to make smart decisions as current newsrooms shrank to levels smaller than they were in the 1970s.  He also believed that with fewer corporate bureaucracies running things these days, journalists were taking over again.

Silver, a founding editor of the Washington Independent, agreed with some of Downie’s points, but also offered that the Vietnam era allowed journalists to become “rock stars” was the high point of the industry, with the gobbling up of papers and internet sites by conglomerates as the beginning of the downturn.  Where Downie clearly represented the old guard ideal of a newspaper journalist, Silver was very much the “new idea” representative, arguing that the industry was definitely changing, and quite possibly for the better.

Professor Starr kept to his Sociology roots, and theorized that newspapers have dominated for 300 years, and that it was the end of the 1940s that began the fall of the newspaper, and that the 1980s represented the real end of the newspaper.  Starr stated that this wasn’t just an American issue, but that the demographic of newspaper readership was in flux worldwide (albeit at different paces, regionally).  He also argued that newspapers used to be a sort of clearinghouse for several things: news at various levels (national, state, local), as well as puzzles, humor, entertainment news, sports, et cetera.  Now, thanks to specialization, if someone wants sports news, they go to ESPN.  If someone wants to do a puzzle, there are thousands of sites for that.  While he believed that there would be some sort of newspaper like publication in the future, it would not be much like what we have access to today.

Milewski brought everything together nicely with his bookend comments.  He opened the show with the idea that in the past the newspaper was a kind of citizen’s handbook for an involved electorate.  Today, with the various news sources available on the internet and television, everyone brings their own fact sheet to the discussion, and there is no more central clearinghouse for ideas.

There is a lot to be said there, and my only complaint for the show was that it wasn’t another 30 minutes longer to allow for a deeper discussion of that point.

Prior to electronic media, at best you had two or three sources for news if you lived in a large enough city.  Large metropolitan areas like New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, for example, had more than one paper, to allow for the populace to select a particular viewpoint.  While the same can be said today with viewers of CNN, MSNBC, and Fox, the primary difference is that with newspapers up to the early 1940s, each paper still had a central theme of accurately presenting the news regardless of viewpoint.  The opinions of said papers were left to the Op-Ed pages.  Nowadays, anchors are screaming their opinions over each other, and viewers gravitate to whomever they think yells the best.

Newspapers currently are not able to compete with that idea (or volume), and thus they are slowly starting to collapse under their own weight, having enjoyed a boom in popularity prior to the 24 hour news nets.  (For what it may be worth, I think that the high point of the newspaper was during World War II, when newspapers were still faster than radio or newsreels in delivering news from overseas.  I do agree that the late 1980s and early 1990s began the downward trends in the industry, with the advent of 24 hour televised news and the internet.)

The new model may very well be the weekly magazine titled The Week, which culls stories from multiple areas and sources, allowing readers to get both sides (or more, if possible) of every topic, all the while delivering the supporting pages of news from sports, entertainment, food and dining, advice, and even a page of puzzles.  I would not be at all surprised if more and more newspapers went to a weekly summary format like The Week.  To me, it certainly seems like the next step in the evolution of the printed news format.

And that is the one thing I felt was missing from the first episode of Dialogue: a potential resolution of where, realistically, the panelists thought printed news was heading.  It would seem that the lack of such a discussion was due solely to the time restraints of the show.

Essentially, the show left me wanting to hear more from the participants, and a little upset that the show had to end…

But, isn’t that what all good Dialogues should do?

Well done all.  I’m looking forward to the next episode already.

You may have noticed that the current “Migraine Musing” is from 2004.  That’s because this week marks the 12th birthday for my little corner of the internet(s)!  So, I decided to dredge up a classic rant, particularly for those that may not have read it when I first wrote it in 2004.  It’s not at all a perfect example of this blog or its history, but it is one of the most read articles I ever posted.  Shortly after I posted it, it was linked from Television Without Pity and the Food Network message boards.  Reactions to my post may have contributed to the demise of the FN message boards at the time.  Unfortunately, the post did not mean the end of the “show” in question.  Since another show is referenced in the post, I went ahead and pulled that post as well, a rant on a “cooking” show once aired on the Discovery networks.

It may have to wait until tomorrow, but I have two other posts planned: a review of the Wilson Center program Dialogue, and a recent photo of the wee one!

So enjoy some ICRVN history, and check back soon for current ramblings!

See you then!


From April 18, 2004:

  • SEMI-HOMEMADE = BARELY EDIBLE
    Oh… Dear… Lord…

    There is now officially a worse cooking show than Cookin’ in Brooklyn: Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee.

    I want Martha Stewart back. That’s how bad this thing is.

    The whole premise is Martha Stewart for busy women. You know – “homemakers.” Those women supposed to take care of the house while the man of the family earns the money.

    Right.

    I’m not even going to address the tired gender issues there.

    Nope – I’m saving my venom for the wacked-out space case hosting the show, Sandra Lee, whom I have on more than one occasion named “Sandra Dee,” and not always by accident.

    Remember my rant on Cookin’ in Brooklyn where I was (and still am) dumbfounded by the entire bag of pork rinds in the chili recipe?

    This woman tops that. She tops it, adds more crap, and tops it some more. Then colors it pink.

    Now, even I will cut a corner here or there when I can in a recipe to save time. However, at the heart of my cooking is a knowledge that fresh is best. Sandra Lee seems to think that as long as you provide enough alcohol, no one will know better. Ugh.

    This trainwreck of a show is on a couple of times a week, and has become all but required viewing in our house. Not for tips or recipes, but simply to see what she has the gall to do next, and how much alcohol she requires to make it palatable. Virtually every show features a display to showcase the new recipes, and each show has some form of alcoholic cocktail, which she of course samples at every opportunity.

    While Rachel Ray is not as bad, I am bothered a bit by these new cooking shows that emphasize two things: shortcuts and booze. Now, my alcohol consumption borders on teetotalling, mainly because I just have no use for “social drinking.” But I can see where every now and again a nice cocktail or glass of good beer or wine is a good thing. But this woman worries me. I realize she is in the “entertaining” business (you know what, so is Jenna Jameson now that I think about it), but does entertaining these days rely so heavily upon getting smashed?

    Moving on…

    Even if you were to “consume mass quantities” of alcohol, I cannot imagine people with any sort of palate at all eating much, if any, of her recipes. Well, actually, if you were to eat the actual recipes, they’d be better for you. At least you could take solace in the fact that you were getting more nutrition from the fiber in the paper than in whatever ingredients she uses.

    Take the most recent episode of the show, “Mexican Fiesta.” The menu consists of:

    Cream Cheese Flan

    Fiesta Fondue

    Guacamole

    Las Chalupas

    Mango Margaritas

    Mexican Pizza

    Let’s start with the fact that this Mexican Fiesta includes a dish from Sweden and a dish from Italy. That is the first issue I have here. It didn’t even phase Lee that two of her dishes were based on other continents.

    Those Flan? Oy. Evaporated milk, condensed milk, eggs, honey, and cream cheese in a blender, then baked until they jiggle slightly in the center, about 45 minutes. They came out a little overdone, and I couldn’t get the image of the two different canned milk products out of my head. Alton Brown’s recipe for flan is milk, 1/2 and 1/2, vanilla, eggs, sugar. Sounds good. Lee’s just looked, well, odd.

    Fiesta Fondue. Should you ever decide to make this, simply leave a note for your family, kiss the kids, pack a few outfits, and go to the nearest insane asylum, and settle down for a long winter’s nap. The first ingredient is cheese soup. From a can. Then jarred salsa, milk, and pre-shredded cheese. She then stirred all of this in her expensive non-stick pot with a wire whisk for a few minutes. At this point, my stomach was trying to find an easy exit from my body. One of the dippers she suggested? Jicama! Go out of your way to find and cut Jicama into sticks, but by lordDon’t forget the cheese soup!

    Guacamole. I love Guacamole, and it’s easy as hell: I spoon out 2 Haas avocados, and stir in some finely diced tomato, onion and garlic, and add a bit of lime or lemon juice, salt and pepper. Done. Easy. But, apparently there are shortcuts here, too. Lee takes two avocados and adds jarred salsa and sour cream (?!). Oh! And she also adds some “juice from a jar of peppers.” (More on this later.)

    I’m not going to address the margaritas. I’ve said enough already about alcohol.

    However. Las Chalupas and the “Mexican” Pizzas.

    The Mexican Pizza starts with half a can of refried black beans, smeared on a Boboli pizza crust. She then topped this with (over-fried) chorizo and jarred salsa. On top of this goes “Mexican” pre-shredded cheese. After baking for a few minutes, the pizzas are topped with lettuce, tomato, crushed tortilla chips(?!), and ranch dressing!

    I am just waiting to see this show “sponsored by Pepto Bismol.”

    Ranch fricking dressing. Of course, from a bottle. (The “Hidden Valley” envelopes are too stressful, I suppose.)

    And then the “piece de résistance,” which I believe is from the French for “dear lord don’t let her food near my children,” the Las Chalupas, which twice she told us were just like pizzas, but “so much better.” Then, if I may, why make the Mexican Pizzas?!

    For the Pizzas she bought Boboli. For these, she actually fried flour tortillas in oil. Okay – she used way too much oil and the tortilla came out suspiciously like a cowpie, but I digress.

    She then spread a meat mixture that would confound any good lunchlady: beef, “taco seasoning” (usually found right next to the MSG), more jarred salsa, and 1/4 cup “jalapeno juice.” More on the juice later.

    You are supposed to take the fried tortilla, top it with meat and cheese, and broil until the cheese melts, then top it with lettuce, tomato, olives (the recipe clearly states that these olives must be “from a can”), sour cream, and “Store bought guacamole.”

    Um…

    Didn’t she just “semi-make” some?

    At this point, even Mr Spock would throw up his hands, say “Eff it – there’s no logic here at all,” and leave the ship via the airlock in hopes of a swift end.

    The garnish to these things is the store bought guacamole and sour cream, with fresh sliced avocado on top.

    Yes. Fresh sliced avocado on top. Because of course you won’t have any left over from your store bought guacamole.

    Alright.

    I’ve let it go long enough.

    She never once opened the jar of peppers and used a pepper from the jar! She only used the juice. At the end of the final recipe involving “pepper juice,” Lee very proudly turned to the camera and shared “a trick.” And I am not making this up.

    “Now, I want to put the juice away, but I want to show you a little trick. Run this [the jar] underneath the cold water so that you fill your peppers back up. Put this in the refrigerator and then the next time you go to make Mexican food, you have juice all over again. You didn’t have to buy a new jar.”

    At least I can take solace in the fact that she has sired no young, and therefore has not propagated this drivel to the next generation.

    But dear lord – she lived in Wisconsin for crying out loud. She should know better than to use pre-shredded cheese!

    Gah!

    From January 31, 2004:

  • A SIGN THAT THE END IS NEAR…One of the “benefits” of the flu is sleeping a lot and catching some really… Weird stuff on TV. Now, I’m sure I’ve railed on some of the more questionable cooking shows on the Food Network, but I inadvertently stumbled upon what must be the worst cooking show ever. On the Discovery Home & Leisure channel is a series of cooking shows – mostly old PBS stuff, and the occasional new show. One of those new shows features a dip named Alan Harding, host of Cookin’ in Brooklyn. Dear lord. I really now have to ask: why the hell don’t I have a cooking show? People with years of culinary training get shows alongside people whose sole experience in a kitchen is passing through it on the way to the television.What makes this show so bad is the fact that its moronic host has five restaurants in the Brooklyn area! FIVE!Five restaurants, and his recipe for chili includes some very questionable ingredients. I can’t reproduce the entire recipe here for you, but I can give you some samples:

    1 package ground beef

    1/2-1 lb. frozen turkey

    1 fennel

    1/2 eggplant

    3 Tbsp. fig jam

    1/3 jar of pickles (with juice!)

    1/2-1 cup rice

    1 handful of baby arugula

    1 small package of crushed pork rinds

    This is only about one quarter to one third of the ingredients. What struck me about these particular ingredients is the vague nature of their inclusion. Apparently you can pick any size package of beef. Now, not only is that not very helpful, but the turkey is supposed to be ground. Hopefully, those actually (yuk) attempting this recipe will read the whole recipe before shopping. Imagine trying to find a one pound frozen turkey. Read on and you find that the recipe calls for half of an eggplant. Two things here: first, the episode shows that it is a small eggplant, which is never mentioned in the recipe. Second… What kind of freak puts eggplant in chili?! Fig jam? Ew. And he put in some half a cup, not three tablespoons. The pickles? Maybe – but for crying out loud be more specific. In the show he used a small jar of cornichons and pickled onions, but the recipe makes it seems like you could pick a two pound jar of sweet gherkins and be okay. He never mentions anywhere in the recipe that the rice is already cooked (in fact, in the episode he says that you can put in “used Chinese rice.” You know… After you spit it back up again, I suppose). Arugula? Whatever.

    Pork rinds.

    A bag of pork rinds.

    I’m southern, so I like pork rinds. Hell, where I’m from, the only part of the pig you don’t use is the oink.

    But… In chili? Uh, no. First, the recipe says a small package. In the episode he used an eight ounce bag – which is pretty big when you consider the fact that pork rinds are mostly air.

    This is the most ridiculous and disgusting recipe I have ever seen.

    Five restaurants.

    I just don’t know what to say.

    Except that the inclusion of pork rinds in a chili recipe is a true sign of the aporkalypse.

  • I have a longer post in mind regarding recent events featuring noted model citizens Serena, Kanye and Joe Wilson, but I wanted to post a few random thoughts from my viewing of the recent MTV Video Music Awards.

    • First and foremost…  MTV shows videos?  When did that change?
    • Did noted Hollywood nitwit and potential anorexic Megan Fox really complain that the host said another actor’s name before her?
    • Who is Russel Brand, and why are we being subjected to him?  Is England getting us back for George Bush?
    • I was really happy to see that Madonna was able to make the Michael Jackson tribute all about her.
    • A classy move by Beyonce, someone I don’t normally like.
    • Lost in all the hubbub was the first “live” performance by the British band MUSE on American teevee.  FUSE has been airing their videos for years, so it’s nice to see MTV realize there’s good music out there after all.  If you haven’t heard them, they are an odd mix of Bowie, Queen, Duran Duran and Green Day.
    • And then there was…  Lady Gaga.

    The VMAs allowed me a chance to finally “get” Lady Gaga.  Clearly, she is the current generation’s version of Madonna: oddball Monroe wannabe who with the right computer and producers can churn out passable music.  While I won’t repeat some of the harsher comments I saw about her appearance on the show, I will say that it took some interesting work to have her at one moment dressed as the Phantom of the Opera, and at another moment look like the love child of Bjork and an Ewok.  It took a lot to make Pink’s Cirque du Soleil like performance look completely normal or boring, but Gaga managed just that.

    Clearly there is something wrong with Kanye West.  No matter what you think of what he says, there is something wrong with his wiring that goes beyond someone being a jerk.  Consider this along with his “Bush doesn’t care about black people” outburst during the Katrina fundraiser and you have evidence of a deeper problem.

    Whatever the results, the VMAs were the quintessential American program: all about the spectacle rather than substance.

    Nicely done, MTV…  You made us forget about the music once again.

    As of this writing, the fifth season The Next Food Network Star (NFNS) has concluded, and the first episode of winner Melissa D’Arabian’s show $10 Dinners has aired.  As with many of the Food Network’s recent offerings, there is not much to either of them.  The Food Network (TFN) has become extremely predictable in nearly everything it does (well, almost).  In fact, NFNS has actually become a pretty good representation of what has gone wrong, either intentionally or unintentionally, to make TFN such a pale shadow of what it once was, just a few years ago.

    When FN started, there was no intent on creating cooking superstars, the intent was simple: teaching people how to cook on a variety of levels, and getting people excited about exploring the potential of food.  From the original iterations of How to Boil Water through the single-ingredient focus of Good Eats, people at nearly every level of cooking expertise could turn on FN and find something to watch.  When Scripps bought the network however, the slow and downward spiral began.  Now, someone like me with a lot of home experience cooking for a family (who also has restaurant experience) has at best one show to watch to learn something: the aforementioned Good Eats.  There’s no secret in the fact that Alton Brown replaced Emeril Lagasse as the face of the TFN, at least until Guy Fieri arrived.  Current shows on TFN are personality driven, where basic “cooking by numbers” recipe assembly has replaced the teaching of technique.

    Alton entertains and teaches at the same time, proving it’s possible to do both in one show.  Brown, were he available, would be the perfect replacement for Bob Tuschman (VP in charge of Production) and Susie Fogelson (VP of Marketing), the amazingly shallow and vapid executives charged with guiding the TFN into…  Oblivion?

    NFNS is the perfect representation of the downfall of the network because it has thrust the two people in charge of the network’s branding into the spotlight, and into their thought processes of what FN represents.

    And it’s not pretty.

    It’s been well over ten years since I first watched TFN, and it got to the point that most of the television I watched was TFN shows.  While that might sound sad, it shows just how many good shows TFN once had.  From Sara Moulton to Ming Tsai to the pre-Iron Chefs Michael Symon and Cat Cora, FN had several chefs and shows that were good at teaching new cuisines or skills.

    And then came NFNS.  At first, the idea was intriguing: get viewers to pitch their idea for a show to TFN, and then let the viewers ultimately decide on a winner.  NFNS was clearly borne out of the success TFN had with Rachel Ray, the first host on TFN without either formal culinary training or a restaurant.  While I personally find Ray’s personality annoying, her show was very much a boon to both TFN and its viewers.  Clearly, TFN hoped to have lightning strike twice.  The first season of NFNS had TFN vets teaching the finalists how to host a show, and the end result was Party Time with the Hearty Boys, which lasted three seasons.  NFNS Season 2 gave us the ubiquitous Guy Fieri.

    With Season 3, the last to allow viewers to pick a winner, we were gearing up to choose between Joshua Garcia (“JAG”), a young and exuberant Latino chef, and Rory Schepisi, who seemed to be another in the Giada/Rachel mold.  However, a snafu of fairly sizable proportions screwed that up.  JAG as it turned out was neither a culinary school graduate nor a veteran of the Afghani war – two aspects of his past that Tuschman and Fogelson found nearly irresistible.  So, with the FN execs burned for not doing adequate homework, we were left with a choice to vote for either the resistible force (Rory) or the movable object (eventual “winner” Amy Finley).  For lying to Tuschman and Fogelson and the network, JAG was sent packing, persona non grata.  Clearly, nothing would allow someone to come back to the network if they did anything like what JAG had done.

    I want to stop here and interject another “mild” snafu the execs made.  Currently, the popular TFN show Dinner: Impossible series is beginning its 7th season, and its 6th featuring host Robert Irvine.  The initial intro to the show featured a dramatic montage of visuals and music highlighting Irvine’s CV, including his experience in cooking for Prince Charles & Princess Diana or making their wedding cake.  Beginning with the tagline “what you are about to see is real,” the intro also referenced Irvine’s history of cooking for U.S. Presidents.

    After four seasons of Dinner: Impossible show and several appearances on other FN shows, Irvine was “fired” by the network when it was revealed that nearly everything on Irvine’s resume was fake.  Both his resume and much of his life’s story, told in a very successful cookbook, turned out to be fabricated, based on almost nothing valid.

    No problem!  TFN brought Irvine back after a six-month “hiatus” in which he was replaced on Dinner: Impossible temporarily by Iron Chef Michael Symon, which was supposed to teach him a lesson for fibbing to the network.

    The network kicked a kid with potential to the curb, but kept a “star” despite both perpetuating several lies on their resume.  If only JAG had made a boatload of cash for the network before the news broke as Irvine had done, he would have been the third NFNS.  Nope, we got Amy Finley, and a change in NFNS protocol.

    Viewer voting was out, and the “Selection Committee” now led by Iron Chef Bobby Flay took over the selection of the next “star.”

    Season 3 and the Irvine flap setting a confusing and erratic precedent that integrity means everything or nothing behind it, TFN continued on with NFNS with season 4.  The selection committee seemed to make their next choice based on clearing up a demographical issue of their own creation.  Young chef Aaron McCargo, Jr was chosen by the committee, increasing the number of black chefs on the network to four.  It seems a lucky thing that Lisa Garza was trying too hard and Adam Gertler was too inexperienced.  Without those two factors, McCargo would more than likely not have won, and thus not strengthened the FN pandering of minorities.

    Pandering?  I believe so.  TFN hasn’t had a regular chef of Asian descent since Ming Tsai left for PBS.  They don’t have any fully Latin chefs in prime time, having seemingly replaced Ingrid Hoffman with Daisy Martinez.  There are as many Brits (four) as black chefs (not counting the long-disposed of Warren Brown and the documentary-featured Jeff Henderson).  TFN is a very white place, despite McCargo “winning” his own show.

    If anything, the one thing helping FN out in this regard was that the entire group of finalists for recent seasons of NFNS was so pathetic that it is completely plausible that McCargo was chosen for his chops and not what he could bring to the demographic mix.

    However, if McCargo were really a star in TFN’s eyes, wouldn’t he have debuted in prime time and not the death-zone of programming: Sunday mornings?  Not at all ironically, his show was slotted right after Down Home with the Neelys, which is more soft-core porn than cooking, featuring one-half of TFN’s black chefs.

    This latest season of NFNS (its 5th) has exposed so many more areas of the network’s carelessness and condescension towards viewers that I can only imagine how ridiculous the network will get over time (and yes, I am aware that TFN has given figure skater Brian Boitano a show called What Would Brian Boitano Make, after the brilliant South Park song).  Another prime example of how little regard TFN has for its viewers is its website, which automatically launches memory and bandwidth hogging video without asking site users if they want to watch video in the first place.  (Note: This is why I have not included any links to FN pages in this article.)

    NFNS Season 5 contestants were routinely eliminated for being bad on camera, and not for their expertise in cooking.  One contestant in particular, Katie Cavuto, twice served raw or undercooked meat (poultry, in one spectacular miss-step) but was not eliminated because she simply looked better on camera than the other potential contestants.  How in the world could the network’s three most important talking heads stress culinary expertise as being so important to being a chef on TFN that they then let some nitwit serving raw chicken get through just because of the most vapid of reasons – appearance?

    Hell, after that I was surprised the short, heavy-set, Korean chick lasted as long as she did!  (And not because she was caught lying several times to judges and fellow contestants.  Remember, TFN no longer considers integrity when making money is possible.)  I can only assume that the four white kids eliminated in weeks one thru four were to thin the herd enough to make it look like TFN was being fair.

    This year’s winner was barely a surprise, but if you look at the “pilots” the winner was clear: stay at home mom Melissa D’Arabian was a little better on camera than professional chef Jeffrey Saad.  What was not a surprise was who was eliminated prior to the finalists being announced.  The young black woman, the gay guy, and the Korean never had a real shot.  Honestly, considering the failure of the Finley win, I am surprised that TFN went with the mom than the pro, especially with their “culinary points of view.”

    Saad would have hosted a show around introducing viewers to a new ingredient from a far off place.  D’Arabian’s show is cooking tips for working Moms.  “Old hat but better on camera” beat out good show idea but less “warm” on camera.  While I am happy that a non-professional beat out the pros, it bothers me that she is now saddled with a boring show premise.  Judge Susie Fogelson said that she learned a lot from D’Arabian’s pilot – a quick chicken and sauce dish – which leads me to believe that Fogelson has never watched any shows on her own network.  The chicken dish was a basic skillet chicken dish with sauce that I learned to make when I was about 12 years old.  Her muffin tin gratin was a nice trick, but it was left completely unexplored, the focus being the chicken.

    During the pilot presentations, camera cuts showed the viewers the most condescending, fake, and uninspiring reaction shots from the selection committee.  Comments from Tuschman and Fogelson left me with the impression that two of the key TFN executives wouldn’t know olive oil from Playdoh.  They also cannot seem to find a way to not come across as blindingly fake, and totally without integrity.

    Everything about the choices made during season 5 screamed stay safe!  I might have actually learned something from Saad.  I have a better chance of learning parenting tips from D’Arabian than cooking techniques, and that’s a shame.  D’Arabian is likeable, and I’m sure somebody out there will watch her…  For now.  I have a feeling though that her show will never get out of the Sunday morning relegation zone, and that she’ll soon be gone from the network, replaced by NFNS season 6′s “winner.”

    Saad, however, may soon be the next star on the Travel Channel or Discovery Health, joining former NFNS contestant Nathan Lyon, who wasn’t as exuberant as Guy Fieri, but ended up a star – on another network – with a show focused more on teaching than entertainment.

    TFN is proving that it no longer cares about teaching cooking skills, or even teaching techniques.  In fact, they clearly no longer care about the viewers.  Why then would they be stealing so many show ideas from the Discovery Channel instead of working on original ideas?  There’s no way you can convince me that Adam Gertler’s Will Work for Food isn’t just a knock-off of Discovery’s Dirty Jobs, or that Jeff Corwin was signed to be the FN version of Andrew Zimmern.  TFN is also heavily advertising a new show, Chefs vs City, which is a very thinly masked rip off of CBS’ The Great Race and Travel’s Man v Food.  In fact, one of the first challenges presented to the contestants in Chefs vs City was a Phaal Curry challenge taken on by Man v Food host Adam Richman last year.

    For some reason, former TFN icon Mario Batali is still a part of the introductions to Iron Chef America even though Batali has not done any work for the network in over a year.  In fact, Batali’s standing with TFN was made clear when they rejected what is a perfect show for the network.  Spain On the Road Again was mostly a food-centric travelogue and barely a cooking show at all.  TFN’s rejection of it, and Batali in general, means that Batali is now the latest PBS star, and he joins Ming Tsai and Sara Moulton as TFN ex-pats doing better shows on PBS.

    Alton Brown is now the only teacher left in the school, and how long will it be before he decides not to re-up his contract?  It’s common knowledge that one stipulation of a FN / Personality contract is that the network maintains copyright over everything the personality does, including book deals.

    From treating minorities like programming filler to eschewing actual kitchen skill in favor of surface appearance, and from all but stealing show ideas, the Food Network is proving that if you want serious, thoughtful and instructional cooking shows, you had better hope that PBS doesn’t go anywhere.

    The chicken is now in your pot, Food Network…  Prove me wrong.

    Can someone explain to me in serious terms why we (a) have and (b) televise the annual 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest?

    And, for that matter, why in the hell did I watch it?

    ESPN treated this exercise in gastrointestinal cruelty as if it were the Super Bowl (sorry: “Soup-er Bowl?”) or the “Thrilla in Manilla,” when it was more like “Too Much Baloney on Coney.”  I couldn’t help wonder if this show really could be classified as porn in Ethiopia or Utah.  I did come up with some general observations / questions about this “event” however:

    • The sponsor was Heinz.  Now, everyone knows that mustard is the primary (and some would argue only) condiment for a hot dog, so why then would Nathan’s or ESPN allow Heinz to sponsor the show, and not Grey Poupon?
    • Former champion and perennial favorite Takeru Kobayashi travels everywhere…  with a trainer!
    • Speaking of Kobayashi, announcer Paul Page (who normally calls open-wheel racing for ABC and ESPN) needed to go away for his constant mangling of Kobayashi’s name.  It’s “tah-keh-roo,” not “tay-kee-row!”
    • With some 25 “competitors,” it took about two minutes for the intros to get all fouled up with the timing.  I didn’t realize that Juliette Lee was an appropriate name for a 6 foot 6 guy resembling Sasquatch.
    • I gotta say that there is really something wrong with a society that actually has an “International Federation of Competitive Eaters.”  Just don’t say their acronym fast.
    • The “winner,” Joey Chestnut, was being celebrated at the end, and the co-announcer Rich Shea actually said: “I don’t moisturize and I don’t watch Gossip Girl, but I’m very emotional right now.”  I really wanted to slam him in the head with a baseball bat for that comment.
    • The best part of the whole disgusting stupidity was this still shown on ESPN while the camera stayed with contestant Tim “Eater X” Janus, which speaks for itself.  (Forgive the poor photo quality – the kicker line should still be quite visible.)

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