The annual tradition of facepalms, silliness, and snark continues!

 

South Carolina once again started JANUARY off with a bang when state senator Lee Bright proposed that teachers be armed with machine guns in school. Indiana Police chief David Councellor shot himself while trying out a gun in a gun shop, only the second time he had shot himself. Utilizing more conventional means to deal with people he didn’t like, an Oregon pimp sued Nike for not adequately warning consumers of the dangers of potential injury to one’s feet when using Nike shoes to stomp on people’s faces. A “celebrity” boxing match featuring George Zimmerman was cancelled when more people expressed offense at the match than wanted to punch Zimmerman. A London man was arrested and tried for performing sexual acts with a sheep in public. His defense hinged on the fact that he approached the sheep when the cows in the field turned him down. Pope Francis, with the aid of some local children, released two doves of peace which were immediately attacked by a crow and a gull. A petition to have Justin Bieber deported reached the required number of electronic signatures to trigger a response from the White House. Their response was to re-think their original response to the Death Star petition of 2013. An Alabama man robbed a pizza delivery driver by ordering two pizzas and having them delivered to his house, at which point he held up the driver at gunpoint. It did not take police long to find him.

The author of the Harry Potter series got FEBRUARY “Rowling” when she revealed that Ron really should have ended up with Hermione. The 17 people left on earth who had not read or seen the series screamed, “hey! Spoilers!” Maine police responding to a report of domestic violence instead found a pig that, squealing with delight, had been put into a pen with 5 sows in heat. Former Kroger employee June Ann Blocker of Kentucky bought a car to drive it into the storefront of the Kroger where she worked, which she had done in exactly the same way once before in 1999. South Carolina scored a hat trick in February when a woman was jailed for failing to return a rented video, a police officer shot a 70-year-old man at a traffic stop when the man reached for his cane, and the state legislature confiscated the funding to the College of Charleston after the college assigned Alison Bechdel’s Fun Home as reading. High marks for innovation were set when a San Francisco Girl Scout sold out of cookies when she set up her stand outside of a medicinal marijuana store. George Zimmerman, wearing a bullet proof vest because he feared for his safety, signed autographs at a Florida gun show. About 20 “fans” showed up, but it was not revealed how many of his fans wore hoodies.

MARCH began with a stunning victory for the arts when Adele Dazeem performed a rousing rendition of the winning original song “Get It Snow” at the Oscars. A Nigerian man was arrested for having relations with a goat, despite his insistence that the goat had consented. It is unknown if his email campaign to raise defense funds was successful. The Kentucky Baptist Convention took a shot at luring new members with free steak dinners and guns. A 5-year-old girl in upstate NY was placed on the wrong bus, so she spent the day at the wrong school by simply telling everyone that she was a new student. German customs officials intercepted 12 ounces of cocaine that was addressed to the Vatican, ensuring that the canonization celebrations of Popes John XXIII and John Paul II would be a lot less interesting than planned. A Louisiana highway was shut down when a truck overturned, covering the highway in corn dogs. The driver clearly couldn’t cut the mustard. Gwynneth Paltrow announced over social media that she and husband Chris Martin were “consciously uncoupling.” She explained that it was different from divorce because it scores more in Scrabble.

APRIL went to pot quickly when a Texas woman was arrested after calling police to complain about the quality of marijuana she purchased from a dealer. Competitive eater Matt Stonie ate 100 marshmallow candies in two minutes to win an Easter-themed event, but hasn’t said a peep about it since. In an effort to boost flagging sales, McDonald’s announced an updated look for mascot Ronald McDonald that would hopefully be “less Gacy-like.” Police in Florida were able to track down a would-be robber when they examined his holdup note to find a completed job application on the back. An Indiana cat missing for five years was reunited with its owner, who has yet to get an explanation from the cat for its Russian prison tats.

Irony got MAY going when over 100 attendees to a Baltimore Food Safety conference got food poisoning. A woman called 911 when Subway put the wrong sauce on her flatbread pizza. Contrary to expectations, the woman was from North Carolina. A student at Quinnipiac called in a bomb threat to the school’s graduation ceremony to keep her parents from learning she had dropped out and was pocketing the tuition money. A Tolkien fan took LSD and dressed in chain mail armor before attacking a woman’s car with his sword. Officials were only surprised because the Portland, Oregon resident hadn’t attacked a food truck. A drunk man in Murfreesboro, Tennessee was arrested for sexually assaulting…an ATM. The bank has since changed its policies on deposits and withdrawals. A British man was arrested for robbing a jewelry store after police used his cellphone, which the thief left behind, to go directly to his house. A South Carolina EMT volunteer was arrested for using his emergency lights to get through traffic while delivering pizzas during his day job. France spent over 20 billion on new trains for the national railway. Unfortunately, officials forgot to make sure the new trains could fit through the tunnels in between the stations. Now former Sacramento Kings owner Donald Sterling was rewarded handsomely for his racism, and made an honorary citizen of South Carolina.

In JUNE, a church in Alabama had to quickly remove a billboard promoting their children’s school when people complained about the quote accompanying the advertisement, which was properly accredited to Adolf Hitler. In an effort to appeal to Hispanic voters in an upcoming Arizona election, blatantly white guy (and unfortunately named) Scott Fistler changed his name to Cesar Chavez. A former Goldman Sachs employee sued the company because his bonus was “only” $8 Million. The German press had to pussyfoot around a delicate story when an American student had to be rescued from a giant stone sculpture…of a vagina. A Minnesota burglar was quickly arrested because he logged in to his FB account during the robbery and forgot to log out.

Another month started off with a bang when in JULY a Pennsylvania woman was shot in the leg during a demonstration of a new holster at a gun show. Bill Hillmann, one of the authors of Fiesta: How to Survive the Bulls of Pamplona, celebrated the publication of his book by running with the bulls in Pamplona…and getting gored. A Virginia man claimed a previously unclaimed area of land between Egypt and Sudan and declared himself King, so that his daughter could be a princess. Manuel Noriega sued a videogame maker for using his likeness without permission for a Call of Duty game. A minor-league baseball manager fielded a plan to expand awareness of pancreatic cancer by getting colonoscopy on the South Carolina ball field during the seventh-inning-stretch.

AUGUST came in like a lamb when police searched 18 hours for an escaped lion, only to arrest a South Carolina man for calling in an hoax. Metta World Peace, nee Ron Artest, changed his name to The Pandas Friend [sic] after signing a contract to play basketball in China. A story that produced less buzz than expected was the discovery of some 50,000 bees living in the ceiling of a woman’s New York home. A North Carolina man was arrested by police after a 9 month search when he signed up for a doughnut eating contest that was sponsored by police. The 12 residents of Cormorant, MN, elected a dog, 7-year-old Duke, to the mayor’s office.

SEPTEMBER started off on an high note when a Florida couple rapeled down the side of their hotel after getting married. Guests were concerned that after “taking the plunge” literally, how the couple would react to questions about when they would have a bun in the oven. The New York Times issued a correction when an article referred to Dick Cheney as “Former President,” even though it answered a lot of questions about the Dubya presidency. A man was arrested for breaking into a Massachusetts home to cook corn. When praised, the arresting officer blushed and replied, “Aw, shucks.” A Northern California nudist colony was accused of stealing water from a nearby stream. Charges were not filed, however, because police really didn’t want to know how they carried the water back to camp. A skunk was rescued from a beer can in Ohio, prompting denials from Miller Brewing that the source of their signature flavor had been discovered. Sarah Palin’s efforts to start a new Family Fight Club reality show failed miserably. A young woman in Columbia (the country, not South Carolina, surprisingly) was rushed to an hospital with severe stomach pains. Doctors found the root of the problem, a small potato inserted as birth control that had literally taken root.

Oddly, OCTOBER started off with a scare when a flight from New York to Charlotte was delayed when a number of live crabs escaped their container in the cargo hold, and officials had to wait for Samuel L. Jackson to round them up. A New Jersey library thought it was getting “we confirm all things twice” engraved in Latin on the new library’s wall. Instead, “Nos Secundus Coniecto Omnia” translates to “we second-guess everything.” The engraver also got the Roman numerals representing the year wrong. A Michigan Funeral Parlor began offering a drive through option, but only for mourners who decline to super-size their grief. A polar bear was caught breaking into a home in Alaska. The bear allegedly wanted to see if it could, in fact, see Russia. 18 tons of Crisco was stolen en route to a Florida grocery store. Authorities hoped Florida residents could find other sources for their sunscreen. Pittsburgh won a contest to find the country’s “ugliest accent,” but no one is yet able to understand the city’s response. A naked Oregon man was chased by police, and captured when the pants he stole during the chase tripped him up.

New Yorkers hungry for odd news in NOVEMBER were not disappointed when a man was arrested at a DWI stop by New York police when the man tried to eat his test results. In an effort to “break the internet,” noted philosopher Kim Kardashian bared her backside (again) for a magazine cover. Unfortunately, Kardashian was unsuccessful because people were people were too busy watching the European Space Agency landing a probe ON A FRICKING COMET! Twelve tons of frozen turkeys spilled onto a California highway after a tractor trailer flipped over. Witnesses said it was the most flipped birds on the highway since they were last in Jersey. It was anything but a Beautiful Day for U2 singer Bono when he broke his arm during a park bike ride after his personal jet lost his luggage. Recovery of his possessions has been difficult since all the streets have names. The Polish town of Tuszyn repealed a plan to name a playground after Winnie the Pooh because the bear possesses an “unclear gender” and dresses immodestly. They are apparently considering naming the playground for Kim Kardashian. An Oregon police dog was fired for poor performance, and not because of rumors that he was acting like a bitch.

For those who liked to get high, DECEMBER was a downer when Pizza Hut announced that it would not import the chain’s Australian menu item, Doritos Crust Pizza, to the States. The daughter of Korean Air’s chief executive forced one of the airline’s planes to land when she threw a tantrum because of the method by which she was served nuts. “That’s how we always serve you nuts” was the attendant’s defense. Technicians from a laboratory on the Austin campus of the University of Texas realized that 100 brains were missing, only 28 years after the fact. Sony engaged in a unique promotion strategy for their new comedy, “The Interview.” A pair of carjackers in Florida were caught almost immediately after their heist because they couldn’t drive a stick shift. South Dakota pulls out of its planned “Don’t Jerk and Drive” safe driving campaign, despite record interest in driver’s education classes from teens. The year closed out where it began, when South Carolina Sheriff Wayne DeWitt was arrested for a DUI Hit-And-Run, and in keeping with South Carolina tradition, his arrest is not expected to hurt his re-election chances.

With JANUARY and the New Year we got the same old song as a restaurant got in hot water when it began selling tee-shirts featuring the image of a taco and the slogan “How To Catch An Illegal Immigrant.”  The restaurant was, of course, in South Carolina.  In other food news, sandwich chain Subway was sued for false advertising after a customer measured his foot-long sandwiches and found them to be a half-inch too short.  No mention was made of whether or not the plaintiff had also measured his waistline.  A petition to Whitehouse.gov reached enough signatures to Force the Obama administration to consider the construction of a Death Star.  The administration politely declined, but asked that we stop paying so much attention to the moon.

FEBRUARY started slow, but picked up quickly mid-month when Pope Benedict XVI, aka Joey Ratz, announced he would resign at the end of the month.  Benedict XVI cited for his decision both his advanced age, and the example set by his political mentor, Sarah Palin.  Evidence suggested that North Korea detonated a third nuclear bomb.  Aftershocks were felt for as far away as ten to twenty feet.  A man with no scruples whatsoever stole roughly 450 cases of Girl Scout cookies.  The man was from South Carolina.  In an effort to show some measure of good will towards the West, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un met with a man of equal intelligence and mental stability as himself: Dennis Rodman.

In MARCH, a man from Wisconsin with no ties to South Carolina whatsoever was arrested after returning a faulty printer to Wal Mart.  Inside the printer were jammed pages of fake $100 bills, and more were found at his home.  A prosecutor in Ohio with WAY too much time on his hands sought the death penalty for Punxsutawney Phil, on charges of faulty weather forecasting.

APRIL brought good news to shoppers when a $1,500 necklace was erroneously advertised by Macy’s for a mere $47.  It was the first time in years shoppers were excited to be in Macy’s.  Former president Dubya became a grandfather, and for one glorious week, he wasn’t the least intelligent member of the family.  In a great show of pomp, the United Kingdom buried Margaret Thatcher.  The government spent a fortune on the funeral, not to honor her, but to make sure she was really dead.

In early MAY, Toronto mayor Rob Ford was set up by Marion Berry.  The culinary world was shocked to learn that Paula Deen was a typical elderly Southerner.  Anthony Weiner’s New York City mayoral campaign takes yet another hit when his campaign logo reveals Weiner’s name against a familiar skyline: Pittsburgh.  Microsoft’s search engine Bing added a new translation matrix to its service: Klingon.  An Akron man was arrested for a string of some 20 burglaries.  Police found him by checking the data from his tracking anklet.

Gourmet Lollipop Company Lollyphile got JUNE off to a sticky start when the company introduced a special flavor for the month: breast milk.  Don’t worry, it comes from vegan breasts…or something like that.  Hong Kong removed a giant rubber ducky from Hong Kong Harbor.  I have no joke for that…I just really wanted to write that sentence.  A deer in Florida got its head trapped in a bag of Doritos and was rescued by nearby Sherriff’s deputies, but not before they took lots of photos first.  The Supreme Court found the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional, making it possible for homosexual couples everywhere to experience the same frustration with in-laws as the rest of us.

JULY began with the New York Mets cancelling a planned Native American Heritage Day, scheduled to take place during a home game…against the Braves.  A California woman fled the police and taunted “Catch me if you can!” via Twitter.  Police arrested her in Mexico using location tracking she had not turned off when tweeting the taunt.  Scientists in England invented a cell phone battery powered by urine, which may be problematic as teenagers already piss away too much time on their phones as it is, especially tweeting about a shark-infested tornado.  The Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby boy, named George, causing a surge in Culture Club sales.  Florida day care teacher Michelle Hammack discovered part of her building to be on fire, so she led her students to safety outside, and returned to put out the blaze.  She was fired for leaving her classroom.

AUGUST brought us more fun from up North, as a Canadian man was arrested following a low-speed chase on his tractor after he filled his ex-wife’s hot tub with manure.  Amazon founder Jeff Bezos bought The Washington Post, delivering the payment via Prime.  An hotel in New York City began offering a new “experience,” “Glamping,” which is described as glamour camping on a queen sized bed on a penthouse terrace.  The experience costs $2,000 per day, plus a permanent “gullible” mark on your credit rating.

According to the NSA, nothing happened in SEPTEMBER that we need to know about.  However, Venezuela’s government seized control of a toilet paper factory in hopes of ending the nation’s shortage.  No word on whether or not smugglers used mules, or how they would stash the paper.  Scandinavia lobbied to be the South Carolina of Europe, beginning with a Norwegian debate on the language of foxes, followed by an extensive study out of Sweden to determine the flavor of a beaver’s anal secretions.  (Vanilla, by the way.  A reminder to always read ingredient labels.)

Following a bitter standoff the month previous, OCTOBER brought the United States yet another government shutdown.  The only thing that seemed to be truly affected were GOP popularity numbers.  Kathleen Sebelius’ final project for HTML 101 failed miserably.  The USPS canceled a “Let’s Move” stamp campaign amid complaints that several of the children depicted on the stamps were not employing safety equipment.  That, and kids had no idea what to do with a stamp.  A Goodwill employee was fired for giving discounts to needy customers.  A Goodwill spokesperson said that Goodwill stores were “not around to give handouts.”

In NOVEMBER, an Oregon middle school teacher was fired for planning a class party…at Hooters.  An Arizona man, also with no apparent ties to South Carolina, was arrested for copper theft after police traced him with DNA left at the crime scene.  The DNA was found near where the copper wire was stored, in the form of one of his fingers, severed as he quickly wrestled with the wire.  “Hip Hop Conservative” Trey Radel (R-FL), plead guilty to cocaine possession, but did not say if he was planning a move to Toronto.  A Wal Mart in Ohio held a canned food drive…for its own underpaid employees, while the McDonald’s Employee Resource Web site recommended their employees sell possessions for cash and eat smaller meals to save money for the holidays.  The 2014 World Cup stadium was revealed in Qatar, resembling a giant vagina.  Officials fear the male press corps will have a difficult time finding their way around.

As 2013 drew to a close, DECEMBER began with Sarah Palin’s old mayoral SUV transport being auctioned on Ebay for $10,300.  No word on if the vehicle just stops running every couple of years.  A man sued the Dominican Republic because it rained there during his stay.  A billboard in India erected to honor Nelson Mandela did so using a photo…of Morgan Freeman.  After garnering ridicule for advising employees to eat healthier choices, like sub sandwiches, McDonald’s simply deleted their employee resource website.  And, to prove just how much humans can evolve in a year, 2013 ended with a South Carolina man attacking his father over missing macaroni and cheese, while a South Carolina woman was jailed for stabbing her fiancé over a disagreement over the color scheme of their pending wedding.

Thank you, South Carolina, for continuing to make this Year In Review possible!  See y’all next year!

 

Here it is, the full and complete, kinda-in-an-oh-right-that anticipated way, the ICRVN review of 2012!

IN JANUARY, Marion Berry decided to take one more crack at D.C. governance.  Newt Gingrich became the frontrunner in the Republican race for nomination, but Rick Santorum continued to pressure him from behind.  Newt won the South Carolina primary, proving how much they love their white-male-adulterer-political-reptiles in the South.  In an effort to guarantee their newborn’s future in free cars, Beyonce and Jay-Z named Oprah the child’s godmother.  Joe Paterno passed his five-decade legacy tarnished by one moment of turning a blind eye.

FEBRUARY started off when the Tuscon, Arizona school district banned all books discussing Mexican-American History in an effort to not see any Hispanic papers.  Malachy, a Pekingese, won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show, disproving science by showing an ewok *could* mate with a Roomba to produce offspring.  Bob Morris, a republican representative from Fort Wayne, Indiana refused to honor the Girl Scouts because he believed the group to be a radical subversive organization led by Michelle Obama to promote an homosexual agenda.  South Carolina and Virginia called the refusal their “A-ha!” moment.  Rick Santorum sponsored a car in the Daytona 500, which was postponed due to excessive rain, also known as an act of God.  WARHORSE lost the Oscar for Best Picture, and in response, all prints of the film were sent to a scotch tape factory.  The Daytona 500 did finally happen, and an accident resulting in a giant fireball on the track was the first event in the NASCAR season to get commentators to stop talking about Danica Patrick.

In MARCH, Colts owner Jim Irsay hired Mayflower movers to help Peyton Manning move to Denver.  Members of Russian punk-protest band “Pussy Riot” were arrested after performing a song criticizing Stalin impersonator Vladimir Putin, much to the gleeful joy of comedians and newsreaders everywhere.  Mitt Romney takes over the Republican lead when he won Super Tuesday, even though Rick Santorum was still doing well down South.  After three horses died during the filming of their horse-racing drama LUCK, HBO canceled the series, but the cast was immediately offered work by IKEA.

APRIL began as Yahoo! laid off 14% of their workforce after they were discovered using BING.  Rick Santorum finally realized he would be unable to come from behind, and threw in the towel.  North Korea tested a new ballistic missile, which successfully hit its target, a spot just ten feet above the launch site.  Twitter revealed, during the anniversary of the Titanic disaster, that people are stupid.

In MAY, Munch’s The Scream sold for $120 Million dollars, prompting an equal number of Home Alone-style reactions.  Francois Hollande was elected as the new president of France.  Unfortunately, the office of First Mistress required a run-off.  Facebook became a publicly traded company, but with no LIKE button attached to the IPO, shares traded at unfollowable numbers.  Newt Gingrich declared his presidential campaign was on life support, and thus divorced it.

JUNE started off with England’s Queen Elizabeth celebrating 60 years on the throne, which confused Prince Philip who didn’t think she was on the toilet that long.  John Roberts created the largest health-care industry bottleneck when he cast the deciding vote in a 5-4 decision in favor of “Obamacare,” causing millions of Republicans to suffer heart attacks.

England was once again in the news when it began JULY by opening the Olympics with a screening of the best SKYFALL scene not actually in the movie.  Libya elected Mahmoud Jibril its new president after he outpaced write-in candidate Quaddafi Duck.  Korean rapper Psy released the single “Gangnam Style” and its accompanying horse-dance, prompting thousands of spokesperson offers, none of which came from Ikea.

In AUGUST, following the band’s conviction for hooliganism, protests demanding that Putin “Free Pussy Riot!” popped up, causing news editors everywhere to double check punctuation placement.  NASA’s Curiosity probe landed successfully on Mars, unfortunately landing on the only remaining lifeform, a Martian feline.  After cleaning up after Santorum and the party Newtering itself, the Republicans nominated Mitt Romney as their choice to lose to Obama in November.  Romney shocked everyone with his choice for Vice President, which answered the question “whatever happened to Eddie Munster?”  Clint Eastwood used his time to speak at the Republican convention to preview his one-man version of Harvey, with minimal set dressing.

SEPTEMBER began with Mitt Romney, in an effort to expand his options, auditioned to be a carney fortune teller by predicting he will receive 47% of the vote in the presidential election.  South Carolina continued its annual campaign of stupidity when it was reported that a woman discovered her ex-boyfriend of twelve years living in her heating unit.  Not to be topped, South Carolinian Jason Schall found an unusual way to fish.  He strung a line from a nearby river to his couch.  Proving fortune favors the foolish, he only waited three minutes to catch his first fish.

In OCTOBER, after eating dozens of cockroaches in an insect-eating contest, a contestant died, and officials performed an autopsy anyway.  In hoping to prove that he is the president to all Americans, and not just the Democrats, President Obama threw the first debate.  No joke can be made about the tragic events following Hurricane Sandy.  It did however prove that when men of intelligence and compassion ignore party dogma, stuff gets done.  Until it gets to Congress.

NOVEMBER started off with a bang when Mitt Romney solidified his fortune-telling job by receiving 47% of the vote, both losing the election to Obama and triggering John McCain’s final transformation into Oscar the Grouch.  A write-in candidate won third place in the Virginia race for Senate behind winner Tim Kaine and former governor George Allen.  That candidate was a cat named Hank.  1,500 customers in Wisconsin lost power a few days before Thanksgiving when a turkey flew into nearby power lines.  Franziska Housen of Germany was charged with attempted murder when she tried to suffocate her boyfriend by smothering him with her breasts.

2012 came to a close in DECEMBER when the world went bonkers after it was revealed that Kate Middleton may have had sex.  With her husband.  In replacing retiring Senator Jim DeMint, South Carolina governor Nikki Haley finds someone more rare than Waldo in Tim Scott, quite possibly the only African-American Republican Tea Party member in the state.  North Korea launched yet another long-range rocket towards the United States’ general direction, by dropping the rocket into a 2-liter of Diet Coke.  It is the country’s most successful launch yet.

 

There you go…another screwy year.  I’m sure 2013 won’t be nearly as crazy.  Ahem.