With JANUARY and the New Year we got the same old song as a restaurant got in hot water when it began selling tee-shirts featuring the image of a taco and the slogan “How To Catch An Illegal Immigrant.” The restaurant was, of course, in South Carolina. In other food news, sandwich chain Subway was sued for false advertising after a customer measured his foot-long sandwiches and found them to be a half-inch too short. No mention was made of whether or not the plaintiff had also measured his waistline. A petition to Whitehouse.gov reached enough signatures to Force the Obama administration to consider the construction of a Death Star. The administration politely declined, but asked that we stop paying so much attention to the moon.
FEBRUARY started slow, but picked up quickly mid-month when Pope Benedict XVI, aka Joey Ratz, announced he would resign at the end of the month. Benedict XVI cited for his decision both his advanced age, and the example set by his political mentor, Sarah Palin. Evidence suggested that North Korea detonated a third nuclear bomb. Aftershocks were felt for as far away as ten to twenty feet. A man with no scruples whatsoever stole roughly 450 cases of Girl Scout cookies. The man was from South Carolina. In an effort to show some measure of good will towards the West, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un met with a man of equal intelligence and mental stability as himself: Dennis Rodman.
In MARCH, a man from Wisconsin with no ties to South Carolina whatsoever was arrested after returning a faulty printer to Wal Mart. Inside the printer were jammed pages of fake $100 bills, and more were found at his home. A prosecutor in Ohio with WAY too much time on his hands sought the death penalty for Punxsutawney Phil, on charges of faulty weather forecasting.
APRIL brought good news to shoppers when a $1,500 necklace was erroneously advertised by Macy’s for a mere $47. It was the first time in years shoppers were excited to be in Macy’s. Former president Dubya became a grandfather, and for one glorious week, he wasn’t the least intelligent member of the family. In a great show of pomp, the United Kingdom buried Margaret Thatcher. The government spent a fortune on the funeral, not to honor her, but to make sure she was really dead.
In early MAY, Toronto mayor Rob Ford was set up by Marion Berry. The culinary world was shocked to learn that Paula Deen was a typical elderly Southerner. Anthony Weiner’s New York City mayoral campaign takes yet another hit when his campaign logo reveals Weiner’s name against a familiar skyline: Pittsburgh. Microsoft’s search engine Bing added a new translation matrix to its service: Klingon. An Akron man was arrested for a string of some 20 burglaries. Police found him by checking the data from his tracking anklet.
Gourmet Lollipop Company Lollyphile got JUNE off to a sticky start when the company introduced a special flavor for the month: breast milk. Don’t worry, it comes from vegan breasts…or something like that. Hong Kong removed a giant rubber ducky from Hong Kong Harbor. I have no joke for that…I just really wanted to write that sentence. A deer in Florida got its head trapped in a bag of Doritos and was rescued by nearby Sherriff’s deputies, but not before they took lots of photos first. The Supreme Court found the Defense of Marriage Act unconstitutional, making it possible for homosexual couples everywhere to experience the same frustration with in-laws as the rest of us.
JULY began with the New York Mets cancelling a planned Native American Heritage Day, scheduled to take place during a home game…against the Braves. A California woman fled the police and taunted “Catch me if you can!” via Twitter. Police arrested her in Mexico using location tracking she had not turned off when tweeting the taunt. Scientists in England invented a cell phone battery powered by urine, which may be problematic as teenagers already piss away too much time on their phones as it is, especially tweeting about a shark-infested tornado. The Duchess of Cambridge gave birth to a baby boy, named George, causing a surge in Culture Club sales. Florida day care teacher Michelle Hammack discovered part of her building to be on fire, so she led her students to safety outside, and returned to put out the blaze. She was fired for leaving her classroom.
AUGUST brought us more fun from up North, as a Canadian man was arrested following a low-speed chase on his tractor after he filled his ex-wife’s hot tub with manure. Amazon founder Jeff Bezos bought The Washington Post, delivering the payment via Prime. An hotel in New York City began offering a new “experience,” “Glamping,” which is described as glamour camping on a queen sized bed on a penthouse terrace. The experience costs $2,000 per day, plus a permanent “gullible” mark on your credit rating.
According to the NSA, nothing happened in SEPTEMBER that we need to know about. However, Venezuela’s government seized control of a toilet paper factory in hopes of ending the nation’s shortage. No word on whether or not smugglers used mules, or how they would stash the paper. Scandinavia lobbied to be the South Carolina of Europe, beginning with a Norwegian debate on the language of foxes, followed by an extensive study out of Sweden to determine the flavor of a beaver’s anal secretions. (Vanilla, by the way. A reminder to always read ingredient labels.)
Following a bitter standoff the month previous, OCTOBER brought the United States yet another government shutdown. The only thing that seemed to be truly affected were GOP popularity numbers. Kathleen Sebelius’ final project for HTML 101 failed miserably. The USPS canceled a “Let’s Move” stamp campaign amid complaints that several of the children depicted on the stamps were not employing safety equipment. That, and kids had no idea what to do with a stamp. A Goodwill employee was fired for giving discounts to needy customers. A Goodwill spokesperson said that Goodwill stores were “not around to give handouts.”
In NOVEMBER, an Oregon middle school teacher was fired for planning a class party…at Hooters. An Arizona man, also with no apparent ties to South Carolina, was arrested for copper theft after police traced him with DNA left at the crime scene. The DNA was found near where the copper wire was stored, in the form of one of his fingers, severed as he quickly wrestled with the wire. “Hip Hop Conservative” Trey Radel (R-FL), plead guilty to cocaine possession, but did not say if he was planning a move to Toronto. A Wal Mart in Ohio held a canned food drive…for its own underpaid employees, while the McDonald’s Employee Resource Web site recommended their employees sell possessions for cash and eat smaller meals to save money for the holidays. The 2014 World Cup stadium was revealed in Qatar, resembling a giant vagina. Officials fear the male press corps will have a difficult time finding their way around.
As 2013 drew to a close, DECEMBER began with Sarah Palin’s old mayoral SUV transport being auctioned on Ebay for $10,300. No word on if the vehicle just stops running every couple of years. A man sued the Dominican Republic because it rained there during his stay. A billboard in India erected to honor Nelson Mandela did so using a photo…of Morgan Freeman. After garnering ridicule for advising employees to eat healthier choices, like sub sandwiches, McDonald’s simply deleted their employee resource website. And, to prove just how much humans can evolve in a year, 2013 ended with a South Carolina man attacking his father over missing macaroni and cheese, while a South Carolina woman was jailed for stabbing her fiancé over a disagreement over the color scheme of their pending wedding.
Thank you, South Carolina, for continuing to make this Year In Review possible! See y’all next year!