The (I)CRVN Blog

Here it is, the full and complete, kinda-in-an-oh-right-that anticipated way, the ICRVN review of 2012!

IN JANUARY, Marion Berry decided to take one more crack at D.C. governance.  Newt Gingrich became the frontrunner in the Republican race for nomination, but Rick Santorum continued to pressure him from behind.  Newt won the South Carolina primary, proving how much they love their white-male-adulterer-political-reptiles in the South.  In an effort to guarantee their newborn’s future in free cars, Beyonce and Jay-Z named Oprah the child’s godmother.  Joe Paterno passed his five-decade legacy tarnished by one moment of turning a blind eye.

FEBRUARY started off when the Tuscon, Arizona school district banned all books discussing Mexican-American History in an effort to not see any Hispanic papers.  Malachy, a Pekingese, won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show, disproving science by showing an ewok *could* mate with a Roomba to produce offspring.  Bob Morris, a republican representative from Fort Wayne, Indiana refused to honor the Girl Scouts because he believed the group to be a radical subversive organization led by Michelle Obama to promote an homosexual agenda.  South Carolina and Virginia called the refusal their “A-ha!” moment.  Rick Santorum sponsored a car in the Daytona 500, which was postponed due to excessive rain, also known as an act of God.  WARHORSE lost the Oscar for Best Picture, and in response, all prints of the film were sent to a scotch tape factory.  The Daytona 500 did finally happen, and an accident resulting in a giant fireball on the track was the first event in the NASCAR season to get commentators to stop talking about Danica Patrick.

In MARCH, Colts owner Jim Irsay hired Mayflower movers to help Peyton Manning move to Denver.  Members of Russian punk-protest band “Pussy Riot” were arrested after performing a song criticizing Stalin impersonator Vladimir Putin, much to the gleeful joy of comedians and newsreaders everywhere.  Mitt Romney takes over the Republican lead when he won Super Tuesday, even though Rick Santorum was still doing well down South.  After three horses died during the filming of their horse-racing drama LUCK, HBO canceled the series, but the cast was immediately offered work by IKEA.

APRIL began as Yahoo! laid off 14% of their workforce after they were discovered using BING.  Rick Santorum finally realized he would be unable to come from behind, and threw in the towel.  North Korea tested a new ballistic missile, which successfully hit its target, a spot just ten feet above the launch site.  Twitter revealed, during the anniversary of the Titanic disaster, that people are stupid.

In MAY, Munch’s The Scream sold for $120 Million dollars, prompting an equal number of Home Alone-style reactions.  Francois Hollande was elected as the new president of France.  Unfortunately, the office of First Mistress required a run-off.  Facebook became a publicly traded company, but with no LIKE button attached to the IPO, shares traded at unfollowable numbers.  Newt Gingrich declared his presidential campaign was on life support, and thus divorced it.

JUNE started off with England’s Queen Elizabeth celebrating 60 years on the throne, which confused Prince Philip who didn’t think she was on the toilet that long.  John Roberts created the largest health-care industry bottleneck when he cast the deciding vote in a 5-4 decision in favor of “Obamacare,” causing millions of Republicans to suffer heart attacks.

England was once again in the news when it began JULY by opening the Olympics with a screening of the best SKYFALL scene not actually in the movie.  Libya elected Mahmoud Jibril its new president after he outpaced write-in candidate Quaddafi Duck.  Korean rapper Psy released the single “Gangnam Style” and its accompanying horse-dance, prompting thousands of spokesperson offers, none of which came from Ikea.

In AUGUST, following the band’s conviction for hooliganism, protests demanding that Putin “Free Pussy Riot!” popped up, causing news editors everywhere to double check punctuation placement.  NASA’s Curiosity probe landed successfully on Mars, unfortunately landing on the only remaining lifeform, a Martian feline.  After cleaning up after Santorum and the party Newtering itself, the Republicans nominated Mitt Romney as their choice to lose to Obama in November.  Romney shocked everyone with his choice for Vice President, which answered the question “whatever happened to Eddie Munster?”  Clint Eastwood used his time to speak at the Republican convention to preview his one-man version of Harvey, with minimal set dressing.

SEPTEMBER began with Mitt Romney, in an effort to expand his options, auditioned to be a carney fortune teller by predicting he will receive 47% of the vote in the presidential election.  South Carolina continued its annual campaign of stupidity when it was reported that a woman discovered her ex-boyfriend of twelve years living in her heating unit.  Not to be topped, South Carolinian Jason Schall found an unusual way to fish.  He strung a line from a nearby river to his couch.  Proving fortune favors the foolish, he only waited three minutes to catch his first fish.

In OCTOBER, after eating dozens of cockroaches in an insect-eating contest, a contestant died, and officials performed an autopsy anyway.  In hoping to prove that he is the president to all Americans, and not just the Democrats, President Obama threw the first debate.  No joke can be made about the tragic events following Hurricane Sandy.  It did however prove that when men of intelligence and compassion ignore party dogma, stuff gets done.  Until it gets to Congress.

NOVEMBER started off with a bang when Mitt Romney solidified his fortune-telling job by receiving 47% of the vote, both losing the election to Obama and triggering John McCain’s final transformation into Oscar the Grouch.  A write-in candidate won third place in the Virginia race for Senate behind winner Tim Kaine and former governor George Allen.  That candidate was a cat named Hank.  1,500 customers in Wisconsin lost power a few days before Thanksgiving when a turkey flew into nearby power lines.  Franziska Housen of Germany was charged with attempted murder when she tried to suffocate her boyfriend by smothering him with her breasts.

2012 came to a close in DECEMBER when the world went bonkers after it was revealed that Kate Middleton may have had sex.  With her husband.  In replacing retiring Senator Jim DeMint, South Carolina governor Nikki Haley finds someone more rare than Waldo in Tim Scott, quite possibly the only African-American Republican Tea Party member in the state.  North Korea launched yet another long-range rocket towards the United States’ general direction, by dropping the rocket into a 2-liter of Diet Coke.  It is the country’s most successful launch yet.

There you go…another screwy year.  I’m sure 2013 won’t be nearly as crazy.  Ahem.

First, let me apologize for this being late.  One of the stumbling blocks was personal events from January and February last year.  I didn’t take notes on the screwy events of the year like I normally do, so recreating the first quarter of the year was a tough start…  However, the first quarter of the year is now reviewed, and next week I will post the remainder.  In a slight detour, I’d like to thank a few people for everything they did last year to help me deal with said issues.

Thanks first to my medical team, Drs Antonik and Pettit, and the nursing staff at iNova.  Then, old friends Wendy, Jennifer, Beth, and new friends Sean, Beth, Jamie, Corinna, Tara and Jim.  My colleagues at Game On! and friends from LC.

First and foremost I have to thank my wife and kidlet.  Without them, I’d have no reason to see those doctors in the first place.  Love you both.

Okay…on to the crass jokes!

IN JANUARY, Marion Berry decided to take one more crack at D.C. governance.  Newt Gingrich became the frontrunner in the Republican race for nomination, but Rick Santorum continued to pressure him from behind.  Newt won the South Carolina primary, proving how much they love their white-male-adulterer-political-reptiles in the South.  In an effort to guarantee their newborn’s future in free cars, Beyonce and Jay-Z named Oprah the child’s godmother.  Joe Paterno passed his five-decade legacy tarnished by one moment of turning a blind eye.

FEBRUARY started off when the Tuscon, Arizona school district banned all books discussing Mexican-American History in an effort to not see any Hispanic papers.  Malachy, a Pekingese, won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show, disproving science by showing an ewok could mate with a Roomba to produce offspring.  Bob Morris, a republican representative from Fort Wayne, Indiana refused to honor the Girl Scouts because he believed the group to be a radical subversive organization led by Michelle Obama to promote an homosexual agenda.  South Carolina and Virginia called the refusal their “A-ha!” moment.  Rick Santorum sponsored a car in the Daytona 500, which was postponed due to excessive rain, also known as an act of God.  WARHORSE lost the Oscar for Best Picture, and in response, all prints of the film were sent to a scotch tape factory.  The Daytona 500 did finally happen, and an accident resulting in a giant fireball on the track was the first event in the NASCAR season to get commentators to stop talking about Danica Patrick.

In MARCH, Colts owner Jim Irsay hired Mayflower movers to help Peyton Manning move to Denver.  Members of Russian punk-protest band “Pussy Riot” were arrested after performing a song criticizing Stalin impersonator Vladimir Putin, much to the gleeful joy of comedians and newsreaders everywhere.  Mitt Romney takes over the Republican lead when he won Super Tuesday, even though Rick Santorum was still doing well down South.  After three horses died during the filming of their horse-racing drama LUCK, HBO canceled the series, but the cast was immediately offered work by IKEA.

Next week…MAY!  (Wait…that can’t be right…)

JRD

In SEPTEMBER, Fairfield, Ohio residents woke to some 1,600 pairs of women’s underwear strewn all over a wooded area.  Officials vowed to get to the bottoms of the situation.  Herman Cain wins the Florida Republican “Anyone But Mitt” contest.  Infamous basketball player Ron Artest changed his name to “Metta World Peace,” in the broadest use of irony in sports in some time.  The ashes of the creator of the Dorito were buried with his famous snack chip.  No word on just how orange the ashes were.  Rick Perry, after failing to remember the third reason he should drop out of the race, attempted to show how tough a candidate he could be by scheduling the executions of the remaining candidates.

OCTOBER began as Ireland ended their 350-year tradition of judges wearing wigs traditional in British courts, at a savings of nearly $3000 per wig.  Garters and corsets were left alone.  A Michigan woman sued producers of DRIVE for a misleading trailer, complaining that the movie was not as exciting as trailers suggested.  An Alabama company began converting the ashes of the deceased into ammunition.  No word on if they described the ammunition in advertisements as “live.”  Herman Cain failed miserably at “Where In The World Is Carmen San Diego?”  The kicker for Michigan’s Pinckney Community High varsity football team kicked the game-winning field goal after being voted homecoming queen at halftime.  The kicker was the first girl to play on a Michigan varsity boys’ squad.  Senator John McCain called Mixed Martial Arts fighting “human cockfighting,” and based his knowledge on his behind-the-scenes arguments with Palin’s people.  In the “can’t make this stuff up” category, it was revealed that the Catholic Church of Germany is the nation’s leading publisher of pornography.

NOVEMBER started with A South African man was killed when his pet hippo started chewing on him, and didn’t stop.  Neighbors described it as “hungry-hungry.”  Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi stepped down despite a suitable cad not being available to replace him.  Chik-Fil-A sued a man for producing tee-shirts that read “Eat More Kale,” even though the man was heterosexual.  An unmanned rocket was sent to explore Mars after Flash Gordon and Bugs Bunny turned down an offer to pilot the rocket.

The year wrapped up in DECEMBER when it was revealed that Medicare paid $240 Million over 10 years for ED treatments for men over 65, a bill the government was stiffed with.  A crash in Japan involving Lamborghini and Mercedes collectors resulted in $4 million in damage, and 5 million jokes at the owner’s expense.  Herman Cain suspended his campaign and joined Fox News, celebrating by releasing a single, “I Had 9-9-9 Problems and the B*%$#@ were One.  And Two.  And Three…”  And, ending the year much like it began, 4-year-old Italian Tommaso Assunta inherited a $13 Million fortune when Maria Assunta died. Tommaso is a feline.

Thanks for playing along, and I’ll try and do better about getting this thing posted earlier!

The second third of 2011 got off to a good start in MAY when Herman Cain won the Republican Party Obama Look-alike contest, with Michelle Bachmann taking first in the Hilary Clinton division.  Newt came in second in both, strangely.  Because South Carolina had missed a few months, a man charged with assault appeared in court with a tattoo on his forehead that read “please forgive me if I say or do anything stupid.”  Under orders from President Obama, Osama Bin Laden was found and killed by a U.S. Special Ops team.  Republicans were ecstatic, praising Dubya’s brilliance in finding Bin Laden in the brush on his Texas ranch.  Representative Anthony Weiner tweeted a late entry into the Brett Favre look alike contest.  The head of the IMF was arrested for sexal assault in what many think is the worst Mission Impossible plot ever.  Arnold Schwarzenegger reveals that he fathered a child with a staff member, increasing the number of known women to seemingly be totally blind.  The expected Rapture didn’t happen, prompting a rescheduling on the Mayan calendar.

With JUNE, Mitt Romney formally announces his candidacy for the Republican Presidential Nomination at a farm actually named “Bittersweet.”  John Edwards was indicted by a grand jury for using campaign funds to cover up his extramarital affair.  His defense, “but I’m prettier than Newt,” is a colossal failure.  Anthony Weiner finally admitted that yes, his hotdog has a first name.  The state of New York legalized gay marriage, sending most of Broadway to the courts for marriage licenses.  David Gest and Marcus Bachmann could not be found for comment.

In JULY, the Minnesota government shuts down due to a lack of funds, and not even Wisconsin notices.  South Carolina kept itself active in the news when a SC couple announced that they saw Jesus in their Wal-Mart receipt.  Rupert Murdoch testifies that he knew nothing of a phone-hacking scandal involving his newspapers.  He then tells the judge that the judge’s wife left a message to get milk on the way home.  The News of the World closes amid new revelations about the scandal, which FOX News neglects to cover, on the basis that everything NOTW did is “SOP” at Fox.  Space Shuttle ATLANTIS lands for the last time, and former President Dubya defends his policies that shut down the program by claiming that the Shuttle going to space was a waste of funds because everybody knows Atlantis is in the ocean.

AUGUST started out with Michelle Bachmann throws her hat into the Presidential nomination ring and apparently hires Sarah Palin as her fact-checker.  Rick Perry and Ron Paul also enter the fray, giving the Republicans Pawlenty of losers to choose from.  Standard and Poors lowers the U.S. credit rating from AAA (“could be better”) to AA+ (“consider learning Chinese”).  In what could be seen as the ultimate statement on the postal service worldwide, an elderly British man that had complained for years that the postal service was not mailing his letters was finally told that he had been putting his mail into a doggy-doo recepticle.  Australia was forced to spend an additional 100,000 on a 700 Million torpedo system when the system’s instructions came in French and Italian without translation.  Old Navy shows their school spirit by selling a line of tee-shirts that read “LETS GO [school name].”  More than 70 universities were represented by the shirts, all of which were missing an apostrophe.  Perhaps considering the Old Navy “situation,” Abercrombie & Fitch paid the cast of Jersey Shore not to wear their clothing, because it might give the chain a creepy image.  A Quebec man had a 20-ton boulder placed in the driveway of his ex-wife following years of her complaining that he never gave her “a big rock.”  Less than 5% of computer users panic when Steve Jobs resigned from Apple.

Part three coming soon!