Here it is, the full and complete, kinda-in-an-oh-right-that anticipated way, the ICRVN review of 2012!
IN JANUARY, Marion Berry decided to take one more crack at D.C. governance. Newt Gingrich became the frontrunner in the Republican race for nomination, but Rick Santorum continued to pressure him from behind. Newt won the South Carolina primary, proving how much they love their white-male-adulterer-political-reptiles in the South. In an effort to guarantee their newborn’s future in free cars, Beyonce and Jay-Z named Oprah the child’s godmother. Joe Paterno passed his five-decade legacy tarnished by one moment of turning a blind eye.
FEBRUARY started off when the Tuscon, Arizona school district banned all books discussing Mexican-American History in an effort to not see any Hispanic papers. Malachy, a Pekingese, won Best in Show at the Westminster Dog Show, disproving science by showing an ewok *could* mate with a Roomba to produce offspring. Bob Morris, a republican representative from Fort Wayne, Indiana refused to honor the Girl Scouts because he believed the group to be a radical subversive organization led by Michelle Obama to promote an homosexual agenda. South Carolina and Virginia called the refusal their “A-ha!” moment. Rick Santorum sponsored a car in the Daytona 500, which was postponed due to excessive rain, also known as an act of God. WARHORSE lost the Oscar for Best Picture, and in response, all prints of the film were sent to a scotch tape factory. The Daytona 500 did finally happen, and an accident resulting in a giant fireball on the track was the first event in the NASCAR season to get commentators to stop talking about Danica Patrick.
In MARCH, Colts owner Jim Irsay hired Mayflower movers to help Peyton Manning move to Denver. Members of Russian punk-protest band “Pussy Riot” were arrested after performing a song criticizing Stalin impersonator Vladimir Putin, much to the gleeful joy of comedians and newsreaders everywhere. Mitt Romney takes over the Republican lead when he won Super Tuesday, even though Rick Santorum was still doing well down South. After three horses died during the filming of their horse-racing drama LUCK, HBO canceled the series, but the cast was immediately offered work by IKEA.
APRIL began as Yahoo! laid off 14% of their workforce after they were discovered using BING. Rick Santorum finally realized he would be unable to come from behind, and threw in the towel. North Korea tested a new ballistic missile, which successfully hit its target, a spot just ten feet above the launch site. Twitter revealed, during the anniversary of the Titanic disaster, that people are stupid.
In MAY, Munch’s The Scream sold for $120 Million dollars, prompting an equal number of Home Alone-style reactions. Francois Hollande was elected as the new president of France. Unfortunately, the office of First Mistress required a run-off. Facebook became a publicly traded company, but with no LIKE button attached to the IPO, shares traded at unfollowable numbers. Newt Gingrich declared his presidential campaign was on life support, and thus divorced it.
JUNE started off with England’s Queen Elizabeth celebrating 60 years on the throne, which confused Prince Philip who didn’t think she was on the toilet that long. John Roberts created the largest health-care industry bottleneck when he cast the deciding vote in a 5-4 decision in favor of “Obamacare,” causing millions of Republicans to suffer heart attacks.
England was once again in the news when it began JULY by opening the Olympics with a screening of the best SKYFALL scene not actually in the movie. Libya elected Mahmoud Jibril its new president after he outpaced write-in candidate Quaddafi Duck. Korean rapper Psy released the single “Gangnam Style” and its accompanying horse-dance, prompting thousands of spokesperson offers, none of which came from Ikea.
In AUGUST, following the band’s conviction for hooliganism, protests demanding that Putin “Free Pussy Riot!” popped up, causing news editors everywhere to double check punctuation placement. NASA’s Curiosity probe landed successfully on Mars, unfortunately landing on the only remaining lifeform, a Martian feline. After cleaning up after Santorum and the party Newtering itself, the Republicans nominated Mitt Romney as their choice to lose to Obama in November. Romney shocked everyone with his choice for Vice President, which answered the question “whatever happened to Eddie Munster?” Clint Eastwood used his time to speak at the Republican convention to preview his one-man version of Harvey, with minimal set dressing.
SEPTEMBER began with Mitt Romney, in an effort to expand his options, auditioned to be a carney fortune teller by predicting he will receive 47% of the vote in the presidential election. South Carolina continued its annual campaign of stupidity when it was reported that a woman discovered her ex-boyfriend of twelve years living in her heating unit. Not to be topped, South Carolinian Jason Schall found an unusual way to fish. He strung a line from a nearby river to his couch. Proving fortune favors the foolish, he only waited three minutes to catch his first fish.
In OCTOBER, after eating dozens of cockroaches in an insect-eating contest, a contestant died, and officials performed an autopsy anyway. In hoping to prove that he is the president to all Americans, and not just the Democrats, President Obama threw the first debate. No joke can be made about the tragic events following Hurricane Sandy. It did however prove that when men of intelligence and compassion ignore party dogma, stuff gets done. Until it gets to Congress.
NOVEMBER started off with a bang when Mitt Romney solidified his fortune-telling job by receiving 47% of the vote, both losing the election to Obama and triggering John McCain’s final transformation into Oscar the Grouch. A write-in candidate won third place in the Virginia race for Senate behind winner Tim Kaine and former governor George Allen. That candidate was a cat named Hank. 1,500 customers in Wisconsin lost power a few days before Thanksgiving when a turkey flew into nearby power lines. Franziska Housen of Germany was charged with attempted murder when she tried to suffocate her boyfriend by smothering him with her breasts.
2012 came to a close in DECEMBER when the world went bonkers after it was revealed that Kate Middleton may have had sex. With her husband. In replacing retiring Senator Jim DeMint, South Carolina governor Nikki Haley finds someone more rare than Waldo in Tim Scott, quite possibly the only African-American Republican Tea Party member in the state. North Korea launched yet another long-range rocket towards the United States’ general direction, by dropping the rocket into a 2-liter of Diet Coke. It is the country’s most successful launch yet.
There you go…another screwy year. I’m sure 2013 won’t be nearly as crazy. Ahem.