Again dialing up the WABAC machine, we return to the YIR (albeit slightly delayed) with the first half of 2010 in the rear-view mirror, and ready to progress with the review in…
JULY, where the month began with the U.S. and Russia swapping imprisoned spies. However, as per American rules, only the hot ones were returned to us. The World Cup came to a close in South Africa with SpaiZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!! The celebrated octopus Paul, which correctly picked every World Cup matchup, was however unable to predict his ultimate end as an appetizer. Employees for an Italian real estate company were badly burned during a motivational exercise when the supervisor incorrectly set up hot coals and wood to be walked upon. Kingsford was forced to end their “Walking On Sunshine” campaign as a result. Sarah Palin refudiated claims that she was taking a job at Webster’s, announcing that she could never work for Emmanuel Lewis. BP was finally able to figure out a way to cap their broken well, allowing BP CEO Tony Hayward to resume a normal life. Hayward stepped down at the end of the month, and was replaced by American Robert Dudley, after Joseph Hazelwood and Mike “Brownie” Brown failed to impress in interviews.
AUGUST started another great month for the economy when, after selling out of season tickets in record time following the free-agent signing of LeBron James the Miami Heat fired their entire ticket sales staff. The sales staff was quickly signed to be the new starting lineup for the Cleveland Cavaliers. The ban on Gay Marriage in California was overturned, allowing gay couples the same access to mind-numbing family gatherings as heterosexual couples. The Fed announced it would begin buying government debt at a rate of about $10 Billion per month, and fairly and equitably pass that debt on to food stamp recipients. At his “Rally to Restore Honor,” on the anniversary of King’s “Dream” speech, Glenn Beck revealed that he was inspired to organize the event after God “dropped a sandbag” on his head. In a nearly immediate response, God replied “My apologies to the people of earth. My aim was off.” Former Governor Rod “Sandbag” Blagojevich was convicted of a single count of corruption, and faced up to five years in prison. His hair was immediately sentenced to death. Despite the fact that she only swung a club once in 2010, Elin Nordegren became the top money earner in the PGA.
SEPTEMBER was remarkably quiet. This may have been due to the Allergan lawsuit result. The maker of Botox settled a lawsuit with the Justice Department on charges of selling Botox for unapproved use. Members of the public affected by the suit were relieved. At least they said they were relieved – no one could tell from their facial expressions.
OCTOBER began with Jersey Shore “actor” Snooki signing a book deal worth millions, despite having only read two books in her life, One Fish Two Fish and Atlas Shrugged. General James Jones resigned as the U.S. National Security Advisor to the president. Speculation at the time was that people just weren’t comfortable with someone named Jim Jones heading security. California again struck a blow against intolerance when a judge ordered the Federal Government to stop enforcing “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.” Rumors that camouflage would be changed to pastels were immediately refudiated. Frito Lay abandoned their special bio-degradable Sun Chip bag following reports that people opening the bags were having vuvuzela flashbacks. All 33 Chilean miners trapped underground for two months were freed from their mine safe and sound. Movie deals were scrubbed when producers discovered that none of the miners even tried to eat each other.
NOVEMBER picked up the slow slack of the previous months, beginning with the San Francisco Giants defeating the Texas Rangers to win the World Series. As expected, people immediately stopped caring moments after the last pitch. In another effort to help the economy, the Fed agreed to buy another $600 Billion in government debt. My student loans, however, will not be affected at all. A nationwide surge to the polls by voters succeeded in saving us all from another two years of Nancy “Pogo” Pelosi on television. President Obama shocked the United Nations by supporting the idea of a permanent seat in the Security Council for India. If granted, the seat would be held by “Steve, from Topeka.” Charles Rangel, Representative from New York, kept the state’s sterling reputation of political shenanigans alive and well for the year. Nancy Pelosi retained her position as head of the House Democrats with a resounding vote of “Alrightalrightalright!” Former Representative Tom Delay was convicted of money laundering, and faced up to 99 years in prison or 10 years in Haight/Ashbury. In an effort to prove that she is just as qualified to run the country as Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton, Sarah Palin starred in a reality show about Her Alaska, which airs just a few minutes after a reality show from Russia.
The year came to a resounding crash in DECEMBER when Russia and Qatar were awarded the 2018 and 2022 World Cup tournaments. Organizers said that there was still plenty of time to reverse the decisions in case the Mayans were wrong. Congress adopted a Child Nutrition Bill, designed to improve the nutritional values of food served children in schools. Early copies of the bill were presented with a toy. In light of all the attention Snooki was getting, a jealous Paris Hilton vowed to do even less. After dropping what would have been a game winning touchdown catch, Buffalo Bills receiver Steven Johnson blamed God via Twitter for the mistake. God never received the tweet, as he always takes the Sabbath off from social networking. President Obama officially repealed “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell,” and named Carson Kressley the new head of the Joint Chiefs. With its usual sense of care and speed, Congress passed a bill granting health benefits to rescue workers that were involved in the aftermath of the 9/11 attacks in 2001. Czech police placed cardboard cutouts of attractive female officers in miniskirts throughout the country to curb speeding. Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen immediately announced their next projects will be filmed in the Czech Republic.
And after nearly a YEAR of being under the radar, South Carolina proudly and soundly took its place as THE State of Stupidity when a man was injured playing a real-life version of Frogger on a four lane road in Clemson. Leave it to my home state to be stupid, yet prompt. Can’t wait to see what happens this year…