Part One…
To misquote FDR, 2009 is a year that will live in infamy. Particularly if you are from South Carolina… as I am. While other states tried to take the spotlight from my home state, nothing worked, and my home state led with the biggest “WTF” moments throughout the year. So, join me as I look back on a strange and screwy 2009, with a special focus on the inglorious, infamous events in and from South Carolina that proved that the South really isn’t all that deep.
JANUARY
The year began with Steve Jobs taking a leave of absence from Apple, prompting Circuit City to close from the stress. U.S.Air pilot Chelsey “Sully” Sullenberger successfully tested the new Hudson River test landing strip, using flight 1549 as a flotation device. The year of infamy started for South Carolina when state Senator Robert Ford (a former confidant to Martin Luther King, Jr) entered legislation to ban “saggy pants” and profanity. No one was sure if the ban on profanity was to quell still lingering “WTF” reactions to Ford’s previous legislation combining MLK day with Confederate Memorial Day. In one of the longest ceremonies ever, which included a lip-syncing cello and the Mad Hatter, Jesus was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States. The year’s other theme, “dubious fame for the overworked uterus,” began with a California woman giving birth to eight babies and one agent. An ignominious end came for the Democratic Party / Hair Club for Men experimental partnership when Rod Blagojevich was formally removed from office in Illinois (his hair was finally extricated in June). The month ended with Michael Steele, the only black man able to make Cliff Huxtable look more “street” than Shaft, was named head of the Republican Party.
FEBRUARY
The Pittsburgh Steelers won their sixth Super Bowl in team history, in an effort to help the city forget about their baseball team. Macy’s cut 7,000 jobs, including the Simon Bar Sinister balloon, leaving Underdog no one to chase. Photos “surfaced” of Olympic hero Michael Phelps trying to get a water-pipe out of its wetsuit. The photos were taken, of course, in South Carolina. Congress voted another stimulus package into law, guaranteeing the financial solvency of Bernie Madoff’s lawyers. Facebook announced new Terms of Service policies, which were promptly protested by millions of users updating their statuses. Hugo Chavez won a huge victory as President of Venezuela when he had term limits eliminated. From his ranch in Texas, George W. Bush asked if it was too late to do the same here. In a televised address to the nation, President Obama announced his plan to end the war in Iraq on August 31, 2010 or December 21, 2012, whichever came first.
MARCH
The year of dubious uterine fame continued with rumors that Jon and Kate Gosselin may be splitting up. The individual agents for their 8 children had no comment. (Gosselin is apparently French for “the public’s albatross.”) New Mexico ended their use of the death penalty, prompting every anti-death penalty group in the country to take sole credit, even though no one was paying attention. After a long and bitter power struggle the President of Madagascar, Marc Ravalomanana, resigned and was replaced by four penguins. The U.S. pledged $40 Million to Afghanistan to ‘facilitate’ elections under the new “Cash for Kandahari” program. A Greenville woman continued South Carolina’s march when after unsuccessfully attempting to secure a babysitter for her four month old, she took the child with her… on an attempted armed robbery.
APRIL
Vermont and Sweden separately legalized gay marriage. North Korea launched a rocket in order to prove to the rest of the world that they still knew which way was up. Sallie Mae brought over 2,000 jobs back to the United States from overseas. All 2,000 were assigned to be tech support for India. Kim Jong Il celebrated his re-election to President of North Korea by singing “To Dream a Dream” on “Britain’s Got Talent.” Tax-day “tea-party” protesters cheered on Texas Governor Rick Perry when he threatened that Texas might soon secede from the Union. Perry does not follow through, even though most of the country was fine with his plan. South Carolina struck again when a wildfire that ravaged Myrtle Beach and environs was revealed to have been a small debris fire started by a man named Torchi and unsuccessfully snuffed by two different firefighters. Just in time for the annual Memphis in May barbecue competition, Swine Flu reached epidemic proportions in the U.S. Longtime Republican Arlen Specter changed affiliations and became a Democrat, citing he “just couldn’t stand that Lieberman guy anymore.” Justice David Souter resigned, citing a similar feeling towards colleague Antonin Scalia.
MAY
Fifty-to-one long shot Mine That Bird won the Kentucky Derby, reminding the country for a moment that people still race horses. Maine decided Vermont needed a partner and also legalized same-sex marriage. Scientists revealed the discovery of a missing link of homo sapien, a 47 million year old primate nicknamed “Ida,” who had apparently died after having gone missing after asking for directions of early hominids. In an effort to help consumers, Congress passed a law restricting the practices of credit card companies. The companies replied by destroying the credit ratings of everyone in the country, and bombarding the airwaves with more of those “free credit report” singing ads. A judge in California ended our collective gastro-suspense, throwing out a lawsuit by a woman claiming she was misled by PepsiCo and Quaker into believing that crunchberries were a real fruit. The Chinese furthered their reputation for being community-minded when a man contemplating suicide by jumping off a bridge during rush-hour was pushed off the bridge by a driver tired of waiting in traffic. California banned same-sex marriage, convincing everyone that same-sex marriage is only for those in cold climates. Judge Sonya Sotomayor was chosen to replace David Souter based solely on her ability to intimidate Scalia. South Carolina gets the last word in May thanks to a Waffle House waitress who pulled a gun on her customers when they complained that her service wasn’t of a high caliber.
JUNE
New Hampshire spotted an opportunity to finally challenge California for tourism dollars and legalized same-sex marriage. China blocked any and all commemoration of the 20th anniversary of the Tienanmen Square conflict after entertainers submitted as the proposed opening theme “Tanks for the Memories.” North Korea sentenced two American journalists to 12 years in prison, or until someone other than Hilary Clinton visits. Former state election chair got South Carolina rolling in June when he compared first lady Michelle Obama to an escaped gorilla. In Iran, President Ahmadinejad won a landslide re-election, confirmed by a careful scrutineering of ten percent of the ballots forged by his family. Former NFL quarterback Ryan Leaf, after being arrested for breaking and entering, apparently only needs enhancement surgery to be an adequate example of every use of the word “bust.” Jon and Kate continued their efforts to be the John and Lorena of the 2000s when they announce their legal separation. Agents for their 8 kids had no comment, and rumors that Jon was dating the Octomom and that Kate was trying to re-form “Flock of Seaguls” were also dismissed. Michael Jackson died suddenly, and was honored in a moving ceremony sponsored by Isotoner and Ray-Ban. Jackson’s death was not enough to keep South Carolina out of the news, as it was revealed that Governor Mark Sanford did not like to hike the Appalachian Trail as reported, but in fact was flying back and forth to South America to have an extramarital affair with an Argentinian woman. Most South Carolinians breathed a mild sigh of relief that Sanford was not sleeping with a cousin, which would have furthered the embarrassment of South Carolinians everywhere.
However…
The year was young!
Next week… Part Two!
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