Part two begins…
JULY
The Republican party got a sense of deja vu when the courts awarded the vacant senate seat in Minnesota to Al Franken. India outlawed their ban on homosexuality, going against the cold-weather trend. Citing a lack of “VP Candidate level perks and an inability to see much financial future in politics,” Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska to better help herself. 44 people, including three New Jersey mayors, were arrested for corruption and money laundering after no one told them the Sopranos was just a TV show. South Carolina’s charge to infamy burst out of the gates in July when a Conway man was arrested for violating his probation. He had been on probation for having sex with a horse. He violated his probation by having sex with the same horse! Sadly, this means that criminals practicing beastiality are more faithful than the state’s governor.
AUGUST
Figuring Bill was better than the other option, North Korea released the two jailed US journalists at the request of the more masculine (well, visually at least) Clinton. Canadians everywhere rejoiced as Jeremy Roenick finally retired from the NHL, and moved on to annoy the TV and film industry. “No Politician Left Behind” poster girl Sarah Palin protested death panels that did not exist and were also not in any form or draft of any legislation whatsoever. Handlers suggested that no matter how dreamy she thought Heston was, she should stop watching Soylent Green constantly for ideas. Cited for everything BUT job performance, Ben Bernanke was nominated for another term as head of the Federal Reserve. A man from South Carolina (of course) died after he robbed a store having spray-painted his face to conceal his identity. Edward Kennedy, longtime lion of the Senate, and the last politician to say that he cared about “regular folk” and actually do so, succumbed to cancer. He will be missed.
SEPTEMBER
Kate Gosselin filmed a talk show pilot with Paula Deen, calling into question both the nature of fame and the need for talk shows. The mayor of Willford in (say it with me) South Carolina issued an order preventing police from chasing certain suspects in order to save the town money. President Obama gave an address via CCTV to students all over the country, stressing that they work hard and stay in school. Republicans immediately adopted a “stay lazy and skirt through” policy, modelled after the successful plan of the previous president. In an emotional and unplanned outburst, Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina yells out “You Lie!” at the president during his joint session speech about health care. Wilson would be rebuked by Congress a week later not for his outburst, but for being from South Carolina. YO! YO! I’M GONNA LET YOU FINISH, YO, BUT I GOTTA SAY THAT CALIFORNIA HAD A WORSE YEAR, YO! Moving on… Mackenzie Phillips released a book about why we all prefer Valeri Bertinelli. Glenn Beck announced on Fox and Friends that he believed Obama to be a racist with deep-seeded hatred towards whites. Obama refuted these claims, saying that he loved “all people. Well, except for the batshit insane white folks on teevee with no link to reality or sense of decency.”
OCTOBER
Rio De Janiero won the 2016 Olympics over Chicago with a simple proposal of “it’s the summer games. Whose citizens do you really want to see in bathing suits?” President Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize for his July Beer Summit at the White House. Tiger Woods led the US team to victory in the President’s Cup despite claims he still needed help with his putter. Ballooning for Children becomes a nationwide rage, quickly replaced by attic hiding. Roman Polanski is arrested in Switzerland for his 1977 charge of molestation, after he was told to come to Zurich to accept his Publishers Clearing House prize. The Assistant Attorney General of South (wait for it…) Carolina, Roland Corning, was arrested when he was discovered in a cemetery with various “aids” and an 18-year-old stripper.
NOVEMBER
A heat wave swept through Maine, so the state repealed the new same-sex marriage law. Analysts pointed to the new 10% unemployment rate as a clear indicator that the recession was over. It was revealed that there was in fact water on the moon. It was in a Deer Park dispenser left there from 1969. The government changed the insurance regulations and standards to change the standard age for mammograms for women to 50, while changing the standard age for free viagra to “whenever a man damn well pleases.” A 600 pound cow fell from the sky and landed in a swimming pool in… South Carolina. Oprah, clearly defying the Mayans, announced her show would end on September 11, 2011. In response, Jon and Kate ended their television show, and a nation shrugged its shoulders. Tiger Woods, again having driving problems, ran into the ultimate sand trap.
DECEMBER
President Obama announced on national television that there was a timetable for withdrawal from Afghanistan, but that immediately, troop increases would take place. The mayor of Arlington Texas, Russell Wiseman, claimed that our “muslim president” strategically timed his announcement to deliberately block the broadcast of A Charlie Brown Christmas. Obama responded that a real Christian would own the DVD. GE was able to sell NBC Universal to Comcast by convincing the company that Seinfeld and Cosby were just on a temporary holiday. The divorce of Jon and Kate Gosselin was finalized, thereby confirming the Republican’s drive to save the sanctity of marriage. South Carolina almost made it a month, were it not for the announcement by state First Lady Jenny Sanford that she was divorcing her husband, once he got back from the Appalachian Trail.
*Sigh.*
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!
(Well – not you, South Carolina… TRY to stay clean for 2010, okay?)
no comment untill now