The (I)CRVN Blog

So…  I noticed recently that Scripps, the company that owns Food Network, DIY and HGTV, has purchased the Travel Channel.  This got me thinking about a couple of things.  First, the Food Network started out being a network supposedly devoted to teaching people how to cook or improve upon already existing skills.  Someone at the network decided that if Emeril needed a Tonight Show style audience and band, then food was entertainment…  So why not give viewers almost nothing related to the original mission statement, and go with dog (biscuit) and pony (keg) shows?

While I’m slightly encouraged by the re-emergence of a channel devoted to teaching everything from basic skills to advanced concepts, I fear for what might happen when advertisers catch on, as they did a few years ago with Food Network.

By the way, if you’re reading this, Alton, I’m still waiting for you to show me how to turn a thirty dollar fish tank into a home sous vide machine.  Another aside: will we now be able to see shows actually about traveling on the Travel Channel, or will ownership by the Food Network simply continue the run of fratboy-appeal overeating shows?  I also wonder if Bourdain is ticked he’s working for Scripps again…

Back to our show…

So, if the Cooking Channel will in theory teach us how to cook…  What then happens to the Food Network?  This got me thinking of what the future landscape of television will be.

I present to you my vision for a few new channels we can expect on the horizon:

• The Cooking Channel: A network devoted solely to showing you people cooking.  No instruction, no fuss, just voyeuristic video of everyday people cooking.  Graduation to The Next Food Network Star is prohibited.  (Hey!  You in Illinois!  No frying bacon naked!  Get a robe!)

• The (New) Food Network: Video of nothing but food.  Peppers.  Tomatoes.  Pizza…  If you want to look at food, this is the network for you!  Inspired by the now-classic network…

• Hearth in Home: During Winter months, it’s video of a fire in the fireplace, and during warm months, it’s an unlit fake log from Noon to midnight, and a flower arrangement in the hearth from Midnight to noon.  Or a sleeping cat.

• The Article Network: No, it’s not a new news network.  It’s devoted solely to the words “A,” “An,” and “The.”  Why?  Well shoot: y’all watch American Idol…you’ll watch anything.

• The Warhol Network: Are you a fan of Jon & Kate?  Their precocious 8?  What about those dynamic citizens on Real Housewives or Jersey Shore?  Wonder what happened to all those Survivor losers?  Even Liz Hasselbeck?  Then this is the network for you!  But don’t turn away!  Every attention-hungry jackass that led to the “reality boom” is here, but only for fifteen minutes, at which point they are deported to the Arctic Circle.  However, if you must continue to follow the “exploits” of these nitwits, you have only to thank…

• The Cold Day Of Hell-raisers Network: Combining America’s love of penguins with their love of preening idiots!  Thanks to a single, stationary camera strategically placed at the North Pole, you can watch every former “reality” star or overall self-important teevee doofus huddle for warmth in front of the camera!

• The Superiority Network: Saddened by the intelligence level of the average American?  Then this is your network!  Sit back and enjoy infomercials for the EZCracker, the Slap Chop, the Perfect Fit Button, or the Bender Ball, all designed to make you feel far superior to your fellow Americans!  Operators (carefully selected to be dumber than you) are standing by!

• ESPnueve: Because it’s inevitable.  This channel features Curling and Figure skating, those once-every-four-years cold weather sports people say they love.  Well, here’s the test.  (Network note: if this doesn’t work, we’ll simply combine the sports, and have the Canadian Women’s Curling Team yell constantly at the skaters and see who survives…)

• The Inferiority Network: Is Eeyore your role model?  Can’t bear to get out of your pajamas, much less your bed?  Then this is your network!  Sit back and enjoy infomercials for the EZCracker, the Slap Chop, the Perfect Fit Button, or the Bender Ball, products designed to make you feel better about yourself and help you learn to interact with the average American!  Operators (carefully selected to be nice to you) are standing by!

• Foxseeyennen: Hate news but want to at least appear to have a clue?  Then leave your dial (dial?  what’s that?) tuned to the news network, Foxseeyennen, where you get all the day’s news, 24-7, in the latest time-honored tradition: Yelled at you by people too stupid to understand what they’re saying!  (Note: there is nothing wrong with your set; yes, there are two different stories being yelled at once, with a crying narcissist stuck in the middle.  That’s how we like it.  And that’s how you like it too.  Because we said so.)

• The Channel Channel: Can’t decide what to watch, then have we got a solution for you!  Better get a big teevee, ’cause we’re broadcasting to you every channel live!  However, because there are so many channels, each one is allowed only one pixel, so you may want to sit close.  Bonus: See which historical dictator/genocidal madman is hidden in each day’s broadcast! (Sponsored by MagicEyestrain.)

And there you have it!  Aren’t you glad you’re still paying $200 a month to those cable or satellite companies?  So far?