Sorry this is late. Better late than never, I guess… I realize that it may seem silly to post this now, but the Year In Review is an ICRVN tradition, so I just gotta… So here goes:
As normal, 2011 began with JANUARY. In order to quell suspicions of pandering to a Chicago good old boy network, President Obama announced that outgoing Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, leaving to run for mayor of Chicago, would be replaced by William Daley, son of the former mayor of Chicago. After experimenting with their own black politician, the Republican National Committee elected Reince Priebus its new chair. A Florida judge accused Sal Espozito of being in contempt when Espozito did not report as ordered for jury duty. Sal Espozito is a cat. Taco Bell suffered a P.R. setback when it was revealed that their taco meat is only 35% beef. Inquiries into the disappearance of the chihuahua were left unanswered. Dennis Kucinich elevated his reputation even further by suing the House cafe when he broke a tooth on an olive pit.
January eventually led to FEBRUARY, where a Chinese news agency celebrated leaked footage of a Chinese fighter downing a jet from a hated Western adversary. The footage was from TOP GUN. Rahm Emanuel was elected the new mayor of Chicago with just 326% of the vote. An Annandale homeowner’s association elected Bethea Lee as its newest president. Bethea Lee is a wheaten terrier. A new tell-all revealed that then-governor Sarah Palin often complained about her job in emails and also set up an anonymous Facebook page to leave positive feedback for her “real” posts.
MARCH started off with oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico resuming in an effort to poison the waters slowly, as opposed to BP’s “shock and oil” approach. A new book rocketed to the top of the bestseller lists despite being 200 blank pages. Its title? “What Every Man Thinks About Apart From Sex.” A German company reported brisk sales of an unique product, a can of cow-flatulence-odor spray, marketed to city dwellers pining for memories of their childhood or U.S. Congresspersons looking to freshen up their offices. The NFL suspended operations and locked out its players, sending the nation’s economy into a downward spiral. The other iconic helmeted head, Donald Trump, took to the private airways to campaign to be president, on the strength that he was not convinced that Obama had in fact been born.
APRIL brought the government to the edge of shutting down, much to the concern of no one. A Southwest Airlines jet lost its roof in-flight over Arizona. No one was hurt, but passengers were heavily annoyed that the obnoxious overweight loud guy in row 17 was not sucked out of the plane. President Obama revealed his “long-form” birth certificate to the press, which confirmed the biggest fears of the Republican party: that Obama is white. In a quaint, private and understated ceremony, the grandson of England’s biggest ass married the sister of England’s most coveted one.
Next week, MAY through AUGUST (barring Mayan setbacks)!